Sunday, November 14, 2010

Update and Another FS Post

I'm still searching for my bio-father.  It's slow and I feel like I've hit another brick wall.  There are avenues that I can pursue to find more information, but one way seems like a cliff and the other way seems like a forest fire.  So which way do I go?  Both ways seem pointless.  But I guess I'll chose one, then the other.  When I can get my game face on again.


I've posted again at and I'm reposting it here.  Be sure to read the comments here.

Can I make a faith-based argument about donor conception in public?

The short answer is yes.

Over the last several decades, our country and the makeup of our culture have slowly begun to embrace a pluralistic worldview when it comes to life and the pursuit of happiness. A plethora of worldviews are gaining influence and strength within the public square. Unfortunately, those who profess a strong conviction for tolerance of all kinds of people and ideas are actually becoming more and more intolerant of the segment of our nation that happens to view life and happiness from a ‘religious’ perspective. From their view point, it seems that to engage in public debate, one does not need to bring up their ‘religion’ because ‘religion’ isn’t relevant or valid to today’s complicated social issues.

So to argue that one should not acknowledge their religion in public debate is to say that every point of view is valid except a religious POV. Why? Simply because someone doesn’t acknowledge the validity of a religious view over them doesn’t make the argument invalid.

The long answer goes something like this: every time anyone argues a position on a given topic, it’s always a “faith-based” answer. Your faith may not be the same faith as an organized religion; however everyone has some type of faith, including atheists. An atheist has faith in his or her assessment that there is no God. Basically faith is trust, so they are trusting in their own judgment/intellect/experience that what they believe is right. So there is trust, even if the person is claiming to have no faith in any deity.

How do you interpret the world around you? How do you determine what is right and what is wrong? Where do your ethics come from? How do your ethics influence what you believe about a particular subject? What is your worldview? Do you have faith that your perception of the world is correct?

As a Christian, I believe Scripture, when it says that God created the heavens and the earth. He determines what is right and wrong because of His character; He is always “right” and whatever is not right is sin; treason against God. So my sense of right and wrong and my ethics come from who God is. My view of who God is influences my POV on a given subject.

If a person puts their faith/trust/belief in secularism or atheism or humanism, etc., then I think it’s fair to say that everyone has some kind of “faith” so therefore every argument is a “faith-based” argument. Whether they may recognize it or not.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Misconceived: Misconceptions About Donor Conception

I posted this on the other day.  Thought I'd put it here, too.  There were several good comments if you want to jump over there and read them.


After finding out that my parents used a sperm donor to conceive me, the first place I went to on the Internet to find support was a bulletin board of moms that I frequented. It didn’t occur to me to use Google to find other donor conceived people. I just went to the sites I always went to. I posted a message asking if anyone was conceived with a sperm donor.

My very first reply was from a lady whose sister had used a sperm donor, and the little girl was about 3. This lady told me that I needed to write my parents a thank you note for raising me. She was very hostile and rude about it.

I don’t think I was mad about it so much as I was hurt. I needed someone to throw me a lifeline to pull me out of the depth of despair that was taking over my life, and she threw me a ton of bricks to sink me even deeper.

Since then, I’ve had a few responses that I assume were not well thought-out before they came out of the person’s mouth. I’ve been told that sperm donation is like giving blood, and that it’s like adoption. A couple of people have asked if I still think of my (social) dad as Dad.

So I’d like to clear up a few* misconceived ideas about donor conception. Please note that feelings about donor conception vary greatly from person to person. Sometimes, feelings vary greatly within just one person; they may be fine with it one day, and angry about it the next day.

I enlisted the help of several donor conceived people who contributed some of the misconceptions that they’ve heard from people. My thanks to you.

Misconception #1: “My Daddy’s Name is Donor.” The term “donor conceived” is actually an inaccurate term for most of us. Our fathers (or mothers in the case of egg donations) never “donated” gametes, but were paid for their services. A donation is what is given out of the generosity of heart, but money exchanged for goods is called a transaction. “Transaction conceived” doesn’t really have a nice ring to it, though, does it?

Misconception #2: The donor is not a parent. Once I got over the initial shock of this new reality, I realized that there is a man out there who is my biological father. Not just a “nice man” who helped create me, but an actual father; a man with whom I have a real substantial connection. Please realize that donors are not like McDonald’s where you can go and pick up a Dr. Pepper. I can buy a Dr. Pepper from McDonald’s close to home or three states away and it will be pretty much the same. I can even go to Wendy’s and get the exact same Dr. Pepper as McDonald’s.

A man and his sperm are not like a restaurant and its soft drinks. No man is exactly like another man, and his sperm is not exactly the same as another man’s sperm. The DNA that my father contributed to my creation cannot be duplicated by anyone else (unless he has an identical twin). My father’s sperm is uniquely his. I, Stephanie, exist because his sperm containing his unique DNA fertilized my mother’s egg with her unique DNA. He helped create me. He isn’t my Dad, but he is my father.

Misconception #3: Agreeing to parent another man’s child makes a man a Dad. This may or may not be true, depending on the man. Not all donor conceived people have good relationships with their social fathers. I am so blessed that I have a fantastic Dad who raised me. But many social fathers never really become “Daddy” to the child who was conceived with another man’s sperm. I think it takes a really special man to become a Dad (and by the name Dad, I’m implying that there is a special affectionate relationship to the child and he’s not just an authority figure) whether it is through donation, adoption, step-parenting, or any other situation in which a man finds himself parenting.

Misconception #4: Really wanting a child makes you a good parent. Even when a child is “really wanted,” it doesn’t guarantee that “really wanted” translates into good parenthood any more than getting pregnant by surprise makes a person a good parent.

As for a person being told that they were “really wanted,” one woman put it this way: “Well actually, NO! The baby my parents REALLY wanted was the one they could never have. I was just their second best option.”

Misconception #5: Using a donor is a cure to infertility. A cure to infertility is getting a couple pregnant using their own gametes when pregnancy wasn’t happening previous to the cure. Using a donor doesn’t make a couple fertile – it simply gets the woman pregnant using another man’s sperm. The husband/partner is still infertile.

Misconception #6: Every DC person wants a relationship with their non-present biological parent. Not every donor conceived person wants to find their biological father. Not everyone wants him to stay anonymous, either. People may bounce back and forth between both emotions over time. Some may want varying degrees of “knowing” – anywhere from a full-blown relationship to just seeing a picture and knowing a name. Others may just want a medical history. It’s not a safe assumption to think you know how a person feels about having knowledge about their biological parent. They themselves may not know what exactly they want.

Misconception #7: Donating sperm/eggs is like donating blood. Blood sustains life that already exists. Sperm/eggs are necessary to create life. I see no comparison at all.

Misconception #8: My child doesn’t need their biological parent. I/We are all they need. I’ve read it in the comments, both here and other places; couples feel that their love will fill all of the spaces in the child’s heart. I do want to say this as gently, but clearly as possible, because I’m aware that the love that a parent has for a child is so incredibly important. You are important to the child, whether you are the biological parent or not. If you are there in the child’s life, and you play the role of a loving parent, your child does need your love. No child can have too much love. But please understand that a child who grows up wanting to know who their biological parent is probably isn’t rejecting your love. There is just a need in many of us to know who they came from. You can never fill that hole in their heart. It isn’t because you aren’t a good enough parent. It’s because the hole is in the shape of the missing biological parent, and no matter how hard you try, you won’t fit into that shape any more than a square is going to fit into a round hole.

Misconception #9: Looking for my biological father means that I don’t love the man who raised me. False. The man who raised me is my Dad and always will be. Searching for my biological father in no way negates my love for my Dad. I have five children and I love all of them with my whole heart. I didn’t run out of love after the first one. That’s the great thing about love – loving one person doesn’t mean that there is no love left for anyone else. I love my Dad. I am interested in finding my father. These realities don’t cancel each other out. They coexist.

Misconception #10: Donor conception is just like adoption. Adoption happens when a child cannot be raised by his/her family for whatever reason. The parents are deceased or unfit or unavailable to take care of their child (or in some cases, forced to give up their child). The child isn’t generally created with the purpose of giving them away to another family.

Donor conception, on the other hand, is purposefully endeavoring to create a child who will never know or be with half of their biological family. The missing family will either be replaced by the mother’s partner’s family, or completely discarded all together (as in the case of single parents). Before the child is even created, half of the family tie is severed.

Misconception #11: All donor conceived people have a victim mentality. “Victim” is defined as “one that is acted on and usually adversely affected by a force or agent.” I would say that I have absolutely been adversely affected by a force or agent. I know that there are others who would say the same thing. But a victim mentality? No. I see men and women who are working hard to change laws around the world to protect those who haven’t yet been conceived in this manner from the pain that we endure. The blogs and articles I’ve read are about people who are trying to affect change within culture by making society aware of this situation.

(*There are SO MANY MORE misconceptions regarding donor conception – Tangled Webs UK is a great resource to read more about it. Check it out here and here.)

Copyright 2009-2011

Saturday, August 28, 2010


God's up to something!  I am now blogging over at - or at least I have the goal of blogging there.  My children are home from their grandparent's house and life is back in full swing.  Finding the time to sit and complete at thought has been challenging, but I'm so thankful for the opportunity to be there.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

I Went Home. Sort of.

Last week, we made the impossible trip. 

When we left Dallas almost 9 years ago, I was glad.  9/11 had just happened and I was nervous about living in such a big city.  We were on our way to East Texas with our first child who was 3 months old.  Toward the end of our one year in East Texas, we planned on going back to Dallas to start a church with one of my husband's friends.  We temporarily moved in with my inlaws for what we thought would be 2 months until we could go back to Dallas.  During those 2 months, we made a couple of trips back to Big D.

And then we realized that we should not be part of that church plant.  The circumstances changed and we bowed out.  So then we were stuck in Louisiana with no job for my husband and I was pregnant with our second child.

The thought of Dallas was the thought of home.  I missed it like a child misses her mother.  I still can't even tell you why that place had such a place in my heart.  Perhaps it was because I lived there until I was 7 and had fond memories of it, or because it was where I married my sweetheart, or miscarried our first baby, or where I gave birth to our oldest son.  Maybe it was the friends we had, maybe it was the materialism and the lights.  Maybe it was the wide open sky view that wasn't obstructed by those stupidly tall pine trees that grew in East Texas.  Dallas was in my blood.  I wanted to go back.

I didn't go back for 8 years. 

When we hit north Texas last week, driving in on I-30, it was wonderful.  The sky was full of clouds, but it was a huge sky, nevertheless.  We got to our friends' home, ate dinner with them, and while they went to bed, we went driving.  We drove for a good 2 hours that night, after being in the car for 9 hours that day.  We went downtown and saw just how much it had grown.  We saw First Dallas, where my husband was on staff for a short while and looked at the new building.  We enjoyed I-75 because it's got to be one of the prettiest interstates in the country between downtown and 635 going north.

The next day, we loaded up and went to see our last apartment before we moved away.  We got to see friends unexpectedly.  And then we went to see it.  The place where I was conceived.  It wasn't the home my parents lived it.  It was a University.

I cried from the time I saw it until we drove away.  My dear husband pulled over in the middle of the campus and prayed for me as tears streamed down my cheeks.  I looked at the sidewalks and the doors and windows and wondered where he walked and what windows he looked out of.  I wondered where his classes were.  I wonder if he parked his car where we were parked. 

It was a weak connection to the man who sold his sperm to help create me, but it was all I had. 

Monday, July 26, 2010


I've done several hours worth of research online in the past few days.  Looking for doctors who could be my bio-father is tedious and back breaking.  Literally.  My back hurts from sitting at my desk.  But it's kinda therapeutic to find all of these men who were on campus at UT Southwestern Dallas when I was conceived in 1976. 

Most of them were from Texas according to the commencement lists I have, and most of them went back home to Texas after completing their residency elsewhere.  Some of them work in parts of Dallas, close to where my husband and I lived when we married.  It makes me wonder if we ever saw any of my bio-father's classmates when we lived there, or if our friends who still live in the DFW area are patients of these men that I'm looking at. 

It's really very interesting work, finding out about these doctors.  I've only found one of them so far who appears to have died.  A few I can't find online at all.  A couple of them have sons who A) were named after their fathers so that they both have the same name and B) are doctors, just like dear old dad.  Fortunately I can determine who I am looking at by checking out their education  information. 

A little more than half of the men I've found have current pictures online.  That is incredibly helpful, because I then have a young and old picture to compare my features with.

I've had a friend offer to help me look.  I appreciated the offer, but I declined.  When I said it's therapeutic to track these me, I was serious.  Somehow, it feels like I'm connecting to my father by finding out who he rubbed shoulders with for four years.  That looks really strange to write, and it probably sounds strange to read, but it's all I've got!  Also, I don't want someone else to miss some vital bit of information that might be helpful!

My fear is that my father wasn't a medical student at all, but was there in some other position, whether as part of the fellowship my mother's doctor was part of, or who knows - even a janitor.  I'm just so afraid that he is someone that I will never be able to track and my heart will be in limbo for the rest of my life. 

There are some younger people who have donor numbers to work from, and then there are those like me who *know* their fathers were med students, and thus have a student body to work from, but then there are those who have no more information than their mother's doctor's name.  So I'm thankful that I have as much information as I do to work from.

One of the things that I really dislike about myself is that I'm so critical of people.  Probably the biggest group of people that I'm critical of are the TV Christians who peddle the "gospel" to line their pockets.  Often times, it is no true Gospel that these people preach, but they sell Jesus as a means to an end.  "If you'll send your money to me, God is going to give you more money than your bank account can hold!"  It's called the prosperity gospel.  It's getting Jesus so you can get your Mercedes and big house.  It's a bunch of baloney.

Yet sometimes, I find myself thinking in the same way these buffoons preach - if God really loves me, he'll show me who my father is!  I love Jesus, so Jesus owes me!  UGH - I can't tell you how much I despise this thinking, and how I hate finding it in my own heart! 

Jesus doesn't owe me anything, as if I could do something that could make him indebted to me.  He is God of all creation...He is going to do what He wants to do without consulting me.  And I'm so glad!  I can trust that He will do what is right, because He works everything out for the good for those who love Him. 

However, it doesn't mean that I don't keep praying and keep searching.  I keep on keepin' on because I have to.  Even when it means a backache.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

I'm still here!

It's been a few weeks since I last posted and I hate taking so long to blog.  I could bore you details about life here, but I won't.  But I will say that I've read more in the last week than I have all year and much of my free time has been spent on the couch soaking up good books.

It's been several weeks since I've done any research online.  I had a virus on my computer that redirected web pages that I clicked on, making any kind of searching next to impossible.  Now that that's cleaned off my system, I can get back to work.  It's on my to-do list for this week.

I'm also cleaning up an article that I'm working on.  More on that later, I hope.

I still want to finish answering questions that I've been asked in the past.  That's on the to-do list, too.  Maybe I can put the books down for a little while and complete my to-do list.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Hi Anonymous!

Thanks for reading my blog and rooting for me!

Yes, I've read the argument that you recorded before and I think it is definitely true.  I've been writing something else, outside of my blog, and I actually talked about that idea.  As I was trying to describe it, I realized that Newton's Third Law of Physics perfectly describes the way I feel, and certainly I'm not the only one.  Newton's Law says, "For ever action, there is an equal and opposite reaction."  The action that my parents took to alleviate their pain caused me to have pain - the reaction. 

Kathleen LaBounty says it this way: "I just think it's a transferring of loss," Kathleen says today. "The parents are pursuing this, and by going through anonymous donation, they get their dream of parenthood. But then that loss is just transferred to us..." (see article here)

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Addressing Questions...

I've been asked several questions and even been posed a few scenarios, whether through comments left on this blog or private emails.  I'm finally getting around to answering those, even if the original person who asked never reads the answer.

First, one man said that he was a sperm donor because he is a Christian and sited Isaiah 4:1.  He writes:
I try to fufill the cry in Isaiah 4:1 "In those latter days 7 women will take hold of one man and cry take away our reproach and give us children"

There are several problems with this but I'll just hit two.  The biggest problem is that Isaiah 4.1 doesn't actually say what he quotes.  I looked in at least 14 different translations of this verse, and only one says anything about children (that version was The Message which I don't even consider a good source).  The English Standard Version says:
And seven women shall take hold of one man in that day, saying, "We will eat our own bread and wear our own clothes, only let us be called by your name; take away our reproach."

These women wanted to be married!  Yes, they wanted children, too, but the point was not JUST to have children but to be married.  This actually flies in the face of sperm donation, even more so sperm donations to lesbians because women can never be married to women in the true sense of the word, no matter what laws are passed. 

The second issue is this: God created marriage.  God created sex.  God created sex for marriage.  When we take sex outside of the context of marriage, we consequently take the chance of creating a child outside of that relationship.  Even sperm donation/artificial insemination, which isn't sex, is the creation of a child outside of the marriage and it's wrong.  When did making babies without sex become right and normal?

So while I think that this particular gentleman's goal is to help people, it isn't biblically sound.

Movin' on...

Karen commented:
As far as I understand, Jesus was the first 'artifically conceived' child person in historial record. That did not make Joseph any less his dad nor did it change their love for each other. But it goes without saying that Jesus knew who his father was and had very meaningful relationship with him.

Yeah!  I realized this a day or two after I learned of my conception.  Jesus was not raised by a biological father, yet because Jesus was without sin, I know he honored Joseph and loved him dearly.  God's goal for His children is to make us more like Christ in how we think and act.  It was an encouragement to know that Jesus was in a similar situation (though with VAST differences) to me.


Yes, I am glad I'm alive.  Disliking how I got here has nothing to do with liking that I'm here now.

Yes, I love my Dad.  Looking for my biological father in no way negates my love for my dad.

Yes, I still call him Dad.  I'm pretty sure he wouldn't appreciate being called by his first name.

No, I will not write a thank you note to my parents for raising me simply because I was conceived via AI.  I didn't have anything to do with it.

No, I will not write them a thank you note just because my Dad loved me even though I'm not biologically his.  He and my mother made the decision together to have me so he's supposed to raise me and love me.  (It seems like there is a Chris Rock joke in there somewhere)  It's called being a dad. 

Instead, I tell them all the time that I love them.  I do my best to honor them in every way.  I've thanked them repeatedly over the years for taking care of me.  I thank them because I love them and it's my joy to thank them and to be thankful to God for them.

So this is turning out to be much longer than what I intended it to be and I'm not done yet.  Maybe one more post will finish it up.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Have You Read This Yet? just released a study called My Daddy's Name is Donor, found here, regarding donor conceived people.  I had hoped to read it all before I posted it here, but I'm only about 20 pages into it with little hope of finishing it in the next day or two.  So here it is...

Thursday, May 27, 2010

A Year and a Day

I get tired of saying that learning I was conceived via sperm donor was the most shocking episode of my life, but it's true.  There is nothing like having the rug that your entire life was built upon pulled out from under you.  But it's been a year, as of yesterday, and I'm functioning, which is WAY more than I can say regarding my mental status this time last year. 

A year ago today, I was sitting on a church member's couch, trying to hid my tears and wondering why in the world I didn't have the sense to tell my husband I needed to stay home.  I think that I realized that life was going on and I figured I needed to go on with it, not knowing that shock really can be debilitating.  I was in a complete fog.  My husband had to tell me what to do throughout the day.  I just could not make myself function.  I hope that was the hardest part of all of this, because if it is, then it's over with.  I can't imagine it being that difficult in the future. 

A year later, I can say that God has been so gracious to sustain me.  I can see how this could have easily sent me off the deep end, never to return.  A friend asked me a while back what this has done for my faith.  It truly strengthened it.  It made me run to Christ even faster than usual for comfort. 

"...Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess.  For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet was without sin.  Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." (Hebrews 4.14-16)

I've had verses of Scripture that were especially comforting to me in various situations in my life, but I've not really identified a verse (or passage) that so well illustrates this year of dealing with my new (but old) reality.  But this passage would do it.  It sums it up well.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Today is my birthday

I found out about my conception almost two weeks after my 32nd birthday last year, so this is the first birthday I've experienced knowing the truth. 

Rather than being discouraged that this is just one more in a long line of birthdays spent without knowing my biological father, I'm rejoicing in the fact that the Lord has given me another year.  I'm so thankful for all of the wonderful gifts God has given me - a wonderful husband, five beautiful children, and a real Father who I never have to search for.  Thank You, Lord, for your goodness to me!!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010


I finally mailed a three month old letter to a doctor whose picture I saw in a yearbook.  This particular man looks just like my oldest son (and both of my daughters!) and a lot like me.  It took three months to send that letter because I wasn't sure that I wanted to know for sure if he could be my biological father.  I mailed it and I prayed.  A little more than a week later, I got a response.  The answer was no, no way he could be my father. 

I have to admit that it was hard to read that.  I think because I spent three months debating and thinking and praying, it was harder than it had to be if I had just gotten up the courage to send it much sooner.  It was a hard thing to accept for three reasons: 1) he looked like a really nice gentleman from his current website picture (and his note to me only cemented that thought) and 2) it mean that I am starting back at square one, and this time, there are really no men who jump off the page at me.  It means having to revisit all those questions that were seemingly answered when there was a possibility of a match.  And third - it means that I still don't know my genetic father.

Did I not pray enough?  Did I not look diligently enough?  Did I do something to deserve this?  What do I need to do?

The apostle Paul was "caught up to paradise" where he heard "inexpressible things, things that man is not permitted to tell."  Then he says, "To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.  Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.  But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me..." (Found in 2 Cor. 12:4-10)

I haven't seen inexpressible things, and I'm not sure that I can say that being donor conceived is a messenger of Satan, however, like Paul, I am weak.  Like Paul, I've prayed for God to give me a conclusion to this.  I've prayed to discover who my father is.  I'm looking as diligently as I know how.  And I feel depressed when I look through pages of men and wonder how in the world I'll find him.  But through this all, I know the Lord's answer to Paul is His answer to me: His grace is sufficient for me, and His power is made perfect in my weakness.  So I will boast about my helplessness if it means that Christ's power may rest on me. 

I think that ultimately, this isn't about finding my father and then being satisfied.  I believe that it's about being satisfied in Christ, whether I ever find this man or not.  It's about hanging my hope on the eternal God, and not on a mortal man. 

I love this quote by John Calvin: “Whoever is not satisfied with Christ alone, strives after something beyond absolute perfection.”  I would add that when I am satisfied with anything less than Christ, I am too easily satisfied.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Just Talked With My Dad

My mom and dad make a surprise trip here today.  They were only here a couple of hours, but I had the opportunity to talk with my dad.  This was only the second time I've talked with him, and I thought in the beginning that I would NEVER get to talk with him about this situation.

Because of the Parkinson's and other health issues, it wasn't the conversation that I would have normally had, but it was still good all the same.  He was having a good day, mentally speaking, and was able to understand the things I told him and I got to ask a few questions, too.  I did ask him if he wanted me to keep him informed on whether I found "the med student" - I couldn't bring myself to say "my biological father" to my dad in the precarious mental state he is in.  He said he'd like to know if I find anything out.  I didn't mention that I have an idea of who he might need to bring it up until I know something more concrete.

So thank you, Lord, for arranging the opportunity to talk with my dad!

Friday, February 26, 2010

Is The Use Of "Donor" Gametes Biblically Permissible?

Something I see pretty frequently when people ask the question online if it's ok for Christians (or anyone for that matter) to use a sperm donor to conceive a baby is a terribly inaccurate use of Scripture to support an affirmative answer.  "Go forth and multiply!" and "Children are a blessing from the Lord!" seem to be the standard fare as an answer.  Those two verses are taken completely out of context when given as a prescriptive answer in this situation.  Context is so important to knowing what a verse actually says and means.*

So I'm trying to figure it out - just where does God stand on this issue of introducing a third party into the one-flesh relationship of marriage?  My feeling is that it is not a "God sanctioned" way to create a child, however I know my feelings are no basis for truth since feelings change and truth does not, by it's very definition.  I do not feel that it is on the same level as adultry since there is no physical relationship involved in the use of a donor (at least in mainstream cases...I guess there's always the exception to the rule.)  But I just don't see God giving loopholes in marriage: ie., my spouse can't give me a child, so I'll get someone else to give me a child.  And doesn't it seem akward to know that a wife is having another man's baby?  Is God cool with that?

I am praying for wisdom.

*There is a story about the man who decided to seek guidance from God by opening the Bible at random and sticking a pin in the page, and trusting that the words where the pin stuck indicated God's will for him.

The pin landed in the latter part of Matthew 27:5, describing the actions of Judas Iscariot: "he went and hanged himself."

Not satisfied with the result, the man tried again, and this time the pin landed at the end of Luke 10:37: "You go, and do likewise."

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Thank you

I am so thankful to the Lord for the encouragement that I've received over the last couple of days from several of you.  It has really lightened my heart to know that I am not alone in this situation and that there are others who know what I'm feeling.  I am humbled that you would take time to encourage me in this crazy struggle. 

And a huge, heartfelt thank you to my sweet new friend who has encouraged me over the last several months. You've been so open and honest with your situation and I'm so glad that I've gotten to know you.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

This is exhausting

Within a few minutes of hearing about my conception using artificial insemination, I had figured out that this was going to be something in the forefront of my mind for quite a while.  Of course, in the "early days" it was so much in my thoughts that it crowded out other thoughts.  Now, almost 9 months later, it's still there at the beginning and end of each day and everywhere in between. 

Yes, life is 'normal' again - I go through each day without sitting at my computer for several hours at a time, but its still there in my thoughts and frankly, I'm just tired.  I'm tired of escaping it for a little while, only to remember again and feel the shock of it all over again.  I'm tired of having memories of my childhood pop into my mind, only to look at them from a different angle now.  I'm tired of keeping secrets.  I'm tired of wondering if I'll ever find my biological father and if I do, is he going to reject me simply because I exist?  If he doesn't reject me from the beginning, will he reject me because I'm a Christian?

I feel completely drained, and its in all areas of life.  And as I reread that last sentence, I'm reminded of Matthew 11.28 where Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."  I would not be able to cope with this if it weren't for the Lord.  I am just too easily broken to be able to carry such a load on my own.  So I guess I just told myself what the answer is: I'm tired because I'm trying to carry it on my own. 

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

New news

I mentioned a couple of posts ago that I now have a yearbook that I've been looking through.  I found a couple of men who were possibilities, but one in particular stands out. 

Since seeing this one particular picture, and just how much I think I look like him, its been pretty emotional for me.  I think that I've exchanged one frustration (not knowing) for another frustration (could it be him? and what do I do now?). 

I want to contact this man, yet I know that I've got to wait and just process all of this.  But I'm not sure if I should contact him or not.  At this moment, I can look at the picture and assume that he is probably my bio-father, and maybe be satisfied for a while.  It isn't definite, it isn't a bullet-proof theory, but it is somewhat satisfactory. 

If I contact him, though, I open myself up to varying degrees of rejection, and then I'm back at square one.  But on the other hand, maybe he would want to hear from me.  There is a world of possibilities.  And frankly, having a half-baked lead is better than a complete rejection.  But complete rejection is still better than wondering what might have been.

So between the emotional roller coaster and not knowing whether I should contact him or not, I've been doing a lot of praying.  Maybe "praying" isn't the right word.  This is more like one of my little children who cries to be held when they don't feel good.  I'm sitting in the floor, crying, with my arms outstretched, waiting for God to pick me up.  And He does, and its so good to know that He is ordering each step, even when I'm unsure about which step to take.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Forgiveness part 3

There is a place for anger toward unrighteousness.  As a matter of fact, unrighteousness should cause those who love righteousness to become angry because unrighteousness tramples underfoot what is right and good. 

I am so thankful to God for those men and women who are working, whether through the court system to change laws, or through society by making others aware of the situation of donor conceived people, so that younger generations don't have to know the pain of missing biological connections.   Many people have taken their anger and hurt and made it constructive.  This is defending the helpless, and it is a good thing to do.

This also brings me to the point of this blog - anger and what should be done with it.  Missing out on knowing a biological parent isn't a small hurt.  It's a big, gaping wound, and platitudes or harsh words don't make it better.  There is real hurt and anger that must be dealt with, or it can eat us alive, like the most aggressive form of cancer you can imagine. 

If our anger is only used as fuel to change laws and attitudes, there is no lasting change.  Look beyond the here and now and think about eternity.  If it were possible to make it so that no child wondered who his father was, it would be a good thing, but in the great scheme of things, it doesn't make a hill of beans difference. 

How sad it would be if we all knew our biological fathers, yet never get to know our real Father.  If our anger for unrighteousness only drives us to fix the temporary, but never leads us to search for the eternal, we are short-sighted.  I started this blog because I know there are people like me who hurt more than I do because they don't have the comfort that I have.  I know my real Father.  I want you to know Him, too.

Monday, January 18, 2010

And now for the news...

I have some big news!  I received a book last week.  It's a yearbook of sorts, and it has pictures of the graduates who would have been on campus at the time I was conceived.  I am so excited to have this book in my hands, because I can now look at the faces and see the names.  The Lord provided a way for me to get this book, both financially, and through an alum of the university.  My prayer for this new year is that God would be honored through my search and that He would lead me to answers.  And if not the answers I am looking for, then peace to guard me from anxiety.

And I will have the last part of "Forgiveness" coming soon.  We've been out of town twice since the year started, and we are trying to get back into life.