Tuesday, January 26, 2010

New news

I mentioned a couple of posts ago that I now have a yearbook that I've been looking through.  I found a couple of men who were possibilities, but one in particular stands out. 

Since seeing this one particular picture, and just how much I think I look like him, its been pretty emotional for me.  I think that I've exchanged one frustration (not knowing) for another frustration (could it be him? and what do I do now?). 

I want to contact this man, yet I know that I've got to wait and just process all of this.  But I'm not sure if I should contact him or not.  At this moment, I can look at the picture and assume that he is probably my bio-father, and maybe be satisfied for a while.  It isn't definite, it isn't a bullet-proof theory, but it is somewhat satisfactory. 

If I contact him, though, I open myself up to varying degrees of rejection, and then I'm back at square one.  But on the other hand, maybe he would want to hear from me.  There is a world of possibilities.  And frankly, having a half-baked lead is better than a complete rejection.  But complete rejection is still better than wondering what might have been.

So between the emotional roller coaster and not knowing whether I should contact him or not, I've been doing a lot of praying.  Maybe "praying" isn't the right word.  This is more like one of my little children who cries to be held when they don't feel good.  I'm sitting in the floor, crying, with my arms outstretched, waiting for God to pick me up.  And He does, and its so good to know that He is ordering each step, even when I'm unsure about which step to take.

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