The Term “Flip-Flop” Comes To Mind…

Every month like clockwork my body produces an egg. Most of them, all but two, have been flushed through my reproductive system and out again with my monthly cycle. Producing eggs doesn’t make me a mother. It just means I have ovaries that function normally.

You know what I find amazingly illogical and yet somewhat amusing? Our culture, which has bought into the idea that science is the ultimate authority, that only empirical data can guide us, can so cleanly sweep all of that away by claiming that love is the glue that makes a family. Science is god until that god fails to uphold whatever issue is at stake; then emotion becomes god.

Come on, all of you who tell me that I’m foolish to look to the God of Scripture, who never changes, for my standard of right and wrong…where is your consistency?

You want to cling to science for all you’re worth when it comes to philosophy of life. But when biology tells one story, we turn to emotion to write another story. You refuse to believe in something other than what can be measured in a laboratory by using the scientific method. But when the empirical evidence is weighed against you, you turn to feelings and emotions to make your case.

You say that a parent is the one who raises a child and that a sperm or egg “donor” is not a parent, but that flies in the face of science and empirical data. Your god betrays you when DNA concludes that a “donor” is indeed a parent. So you turn to emotion and reject biology.

So get offended all you want, Sierras of the world. Your denial and anger don’t change biology.

Research...

I've done several hours worth of research online in the past few days.  Looking for doctors who could be my bio-father is tedious and back breaking.  Literally.  My back hurts from sitting at my desk.  But it's kinda therapeutic to find all of these men who were on campus at UT Southwestern Dallas when I was conceived in 1976. 

Most of them were from Texas according to the commencement lists I have, and most of them went back home to Texas after completing their residency elsewhere.  Some of them work in parts of Dallas, close to where my husband and I lived when we married.  It makes me wonder if we ever saw any of my bio-father's classmates when we lived there, or if our friends who still live in the DFW area are patients of these men that I'm looking at. 

It's really very interesting work, finding out about these doctors.  I've only found one of them so far who appears to have died.  A few I can't find online at all.  A couple of them have sons who A) were named after their fathers so that they both have the same name and B) are doctors, just like dear old dad.  Fortunately I can determine who I am looking at by checking out their education  information. 

A little more than half of the men I've found have current pictures online.  That is incredibly helpful, because I then have a young and old picture to compare my features with.

I've had a friend offer to help me look.  I appreciated the offer, but I declined.  When I said it's therapeutic to track these me, I was serious.  Somehow, it feels like I'm connecting to my father by finding out who he rubbed shoulders with for four years.  That looks really strange to write, and it probably sounds strange to read, but it's all I've got!  Also, I don't want someone else to miss some vital bit of information that might be helpful!

My fear is that my father wasn't a medical student at all, but was there in some other position, whether as part of the fellowship my mother's doctor was part of, or who knows - even a janitor.  I'm just so afraid that he is someone that I will never be able to track and my heart will be in limbo for the rest of my life. 

There are some younger people who have donor numbers to work from, and then there are those like me who *know* their fathers were med students, and thus have a student body to work from, but then there are those who have no more information than their mother's doctor's name.  So I'm thankful that I have as much information as I do to work from.

One of the things that I really dislike about myself is that I'm so critical of people.  Probably the biggest group of people that I'm critical of are the TV Christians who peddle the "gospel" to line their pockets.  Often times, it is no true Gospel that these people preach, but they sell Jesus as a means to an end.  "If you'll send your money to me, God is going to give you more money than your bank account can hold!"  It's called the prosperity gospel.  It's getting Jesus so you can get your Mercedes and big house.  It's a bunch of baloney.

Yet sometimes, I find myself thinking in the same way these buffoons preach - if God really loves me, he'll show me who my father is!  I love Jesus, so Jesus owes me!  UGH - I can't tell you how much I despise this thinking, and how I hate finding it in my own heart! 

Jesus doesn't owe me anything, as if I could do something that could make him indebted to me.  He is God of all creation...He is going to do what He wants to do without consulting me.  And I'm so glad!  I can trust that He will do what is right, because He works everything out for the good for those who love Him. 

However, it doesn't mean that I don't keep praying and keep searching.  I keep on keepin' on because I have to.  Even when it means a backache.

This is exhausting

Within a few minutes of hearing about my conception using artificial insemination, I had figured out that this was going to be something in the forefront of my mind for quite a while.  Of course, in the "early days" it was so much in my thoughts that it crowded out other thoughts.  Now, almost 9 months later, it's still there at the beginning and end of each day and everywhere in between. 

Yes, life is 'normal' again - I go through each day without sitting at my computer for several hours at a time, but its still there in my thoughts and frankly, I'm just tired.  I'm tired of escaping it for a little while, only to remember again and feel the shock of it all over again.  I'm tired of having memories of my childhood pop into my mind, only to look at them from a different angle now.  I'm tired of keeping secrets.  I'm tired of wondering if I'll ever find my biological father and if I do, is he going to reject me simply because I exist?  If he doesn't reject me from the beginning, will he reject me because I'm a Christian?

I feel completely drained, and its in all areas of life.  And as I reread that last sentence, I'm reminded of Matthew 11.28 where Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."  I would not be able to cope with this if it weren't for the Lord.  I am just too easily broken to be able to carry such a load on my own.  So I guess I just told myself what the answer is: I'm tired because I'm trying to carry it on my own. 

Thanksgiving

We spent Thanksgiving at my parent's home.  All of my parents' brothers and sisters were there, along with a few of my cousins.  Some of them I haven't seen in quite a while.  It was good to see everyone again.  It was also the first time that I've seen everyone since, well, you know.  It saddened me to know that I am not related genetically to half of my family. 

I did get to talk with my dad, briefly, about my conception.  I asked him if we could talk more when I see him again.  I'm glad it's out in the open now.

Seeing all of my family really stirred up a desire to know all of my family.  I wondered how my biological father spends his holidays.  I know that this time of year is difficult for people who have lost loved ones to death or who are just far away from them.  Now I'm getting a taste of it from experience. 

I feel very unsettled after this trip.  It's easy for me to wallow in the seeming hopelessness of it all.  Some moments over the last few days, I had to tell myself to keep breathing.  I keep reminding myself in those times when I just want to cry that I must cast my burden on the Lord, because he cares for me.  It doesn't mean that I can't cry, or be sad, or pray that somehow the Lord would allow me to know who he is.

It does mean, as Tim Tebow reminded football fans yesterday, that I must fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of my faith, and throw off the sin that so easily entangles me.

About The Hymn

I want to explain a little bit about why I posted Light Shining Out of Darkness by William Cowper.  I first heard this hymn sung as a modern song by Jeremy Riddle - incredibly done, by the way.  This stanza really scared me and comforted me at the same time:

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take,
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy, and shall break
In blessings on your head.

It scared me because I've had a few clouds break on my head over the last few years.  We've all gone through difficult circumstances.  I hate clouds! 

It encouraged me because it reminded me that those things that we fear most are often the things that either drive us further away from God or closer to Him.  I need to take courage when I see the clouds forming, because while it may rain (or pour), those clouds aren't going to do anything God hasn't sent them to do.

To me, this is the most powerful part of the hymn:

Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.
His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding ev'ry hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flow'r.

It would be really easy to ask why God has allowed me to be conceived by a father who is not present in my life.  It seems like such a burden to carry, this not knowing.  But I think that line of questioning is the wrong line of questioning.  I don't think that God allowed it in the sense that he let them (my parents and the doctor and my biological father) create me in this fashion.  I think that Scripture shows us a God who is so involved with His creation that it was not permission that was granted, but rather it was part of God's plan - what He ordained. 

Are you familiar with Joseph whose life is included in the book of Genesis?  Joseph was hated by his ten older brothers because of their father's favoritism toward Joseph.  They hated him so much that they threw him into a pit and then pulled him back out of the pit only to sell him into slavery instead.  He was taken far away from his family and home as a slave in Egypt.  The ten brothers told their father that Joseph had been torn apart by a wild animal.  Long story short, in several years' time, Joseph went from being a slave, to a prisoner, to being second in command of Egypt. 

A famine spread across the land, but Egypt had a storehouse of food.  People from all over the area went to purchase food from Pharoah.  Joseph's ten brothers came before Joseph to buy food, not recognizing him as their brother.  After a long, drawn out process, Joseph, who still hadn't yet revealed his identity, determined that his brothers had repented from the evil that they had done to him and so he could not keep his identity secret any longer.  This is part of what he said to them:

"Now do not be grieved or angry with yourselves, because you sold me here, for God sent me before you to preserve life.  For the famine has been in the land these two years, and there are still five years in which there will be neither plowing nor harvesting.  God sent me before you to preserve for you a remnant in the earth, and to keep you alive by a great deliverance.  Now, therefore, it was not you who sent me here, but God..." (Genesis 45.5-8a)

The brothers did, indeed, sell Joseph into slavery.  But God ordained it to happen.  Joseph, the one who endured slavery, defamation of his character, prison life, separation from his family...he recognized that God sent him to Egypt through his brothers.

Toward the end of the narrative, Joseph says this to his brothers: "As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive."  Joseph may have wondered why exactly his life was unfolding in this manner, but he could see God's providence, even in prison.
 
Jonathan Edwards (1703-1758), a pastor and one of America's greatest thinkers, said this about the sovereignty of God: "There has been a wonderful alteration in my mind, in respect to the doctrine of God's sovereignty.... The doctrine has very often appeared exceeding pleasant, bright and sweet.  Absolute sovereignty is what I love to ascribe to God."

Knowing the true circumstances of my conception has made me love the Lord all the more, because I can see Him working in my life.  Even in the darkest days, I knew that nothing I was going through was by chance or accident.  I don't know all of the whys, but I'm really ok with that. 

Even if you don't like what is going on in your life, God has His purpose for it.  Will you fight Him or trust Him?

It's Still Surreal

It's been about 6 months since I found out about my conception.  The shock is gone, I think.  It's still surprising, though, to think that I have a biological father out there, somewhere, probably practicing medicine, somewhere.  And maybe I have half-siblings, somewhere.  And maybe, somewhere in his heart, does he wonder about me? 

I've wondered about him...what he looks like...what mannerisms of his that I might have...what he thinks about about that day in August of 1976...

He's known about me for 33 years.  I've known about him for 6 months.

He has no idea, but he has five amazing, beautiful grandchildren.  Three of them probably look just like him since they look just like me.  He is so missing out on knowing them.

My Husband's Sermon

I think I mentioned that my husband is my pastor. If not, I have now!  He's been preaching through Philemon, which is a little tiny book in the New Testament. The Apostle Paul was imprisoned in Rome when he wrote his letter to Philemon, who was a wealthy citizen of Colossae, a small town several hundred miles from Rome. Onesimus was one of Philemon's slaves, who had run away, somehow met Paul, and became a Christian. Apparently he had become close to Paul and helped to take care of Paul in prison, because Paul says of Onesimus that he was "my very heart." Because slaves were property of their master, it was illegal for Onesimus to run away. Paul was aware of the fact that Philemon had the power and authority to put Onesimus to death for running away.

So do you think that Paul hid Onesimus away? No, though Onesimus was "helping me while I am in chains for the gospel", he didn't. He actually sent Onesimus back to Philemon with a letter, asking him to reconcile with Onesimus since they were now brothers in Christ, and no longer just master and slave.

Part of my husband's point was that Christ brings reconciliation, not just between us and God, but also between people. A master and slave relationship became a relationship between brothers.

It made me think of my biological father. I want desperately to reconcile with him. I want him to know that I'm not angry that I don't know him. I want him to know that in some way, I do love him.

Another part of his sermon dealt with not wasting the opportunities that God gives us to bring Him glory. I could tell you the opportunities that I waste daily, but that would take up too much space here. I thought about this opportunity that God has given me in being donor conceived, though. Yes, I do see it as an opportunity. I've been given the opportunity to see God work in my life through this situation - an opportunity that I would not have had, had I been conceived the 'normal' way.

I've been given the gift of deep loss in that I've lost my biological father. That loss has caused me to see God, my Father, more clearly. He truly is so caring and loving and kind.

I've also been given the gift of losing what I thought was a completely unbroken connection to my Dad, the wonderful man who raised me. The first time I saw my dad after finding out about being DC'ed, I cried because I wanted to be his daughter in every way, both emotionally and biologically. It was painful to know that there is that disconnect, but it made me appreciate that our relationship isn't just an emotional relationship. Because he also loves the Lord, ours is a spiritually-linked relationship as well.