Saturday, February 6, 2010

This is exhausting

Within a few minutes of hearing about my conception using artificial insemination, I had figured out that this was going to be something in the forefront of my mind for quite a while.  Of course, in the "early days" it was so much in my thoughts that it crowded out other thoughts.  Now, almost 9 months later, it's still there at the beginning and end of each day and everywhere in between. 

Yes, life is 'normal' again - I go through each day without sitting at my computer for several hours at a time, but its still there in my thoughts and frankly, I'm just tired.  I'm tired of escaping it for a little while, only to remember again and feel the shock of it all over again.  I'm tired of having memories of my childhood pop into my mind, only to look at them from a different angle now.  I'm tired of keeping secrets.  I'm tired of wondering if I'll ever find my biological father and if I do, is he going to reject me simply because I exist?  If he doesn't reject me from the beginning, will he reject me because I'm a Christian?

I feel completely drained, and its in all areas of life.  And as I reread that last sentence, I'm reminded of Matthew 11.28 where Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."  I would not be able to cope with this if it weren't for the Lord.  I am just too easily broken to be able to carry such a load on my own.  So I guess I just told myself what the answer is: I'm tired because I'm trying to carry it on my own. 


  1. You are not on your own with that burden. Have you joined PCVAI (

    I am donor conceived and have no idea who my donor is and whether or not I have half siblings. I've known for about 7 years now.

    I found it gets easier over time, especially after I didn't have to keep any secrets about it (talked to my Dad, the non-bio one, who didn't realise I knew about the donor conception). I can't explain how much easier it is when you don't have to keep secrets.

    For me the pain of it doesn't go away but I find that the feeling doesn't come very often. DNA testing is giving me hope that one day someone will have a DNA test and match with me. :)

  2. I am a sperm provider offspring who found a dozen half siblings and identified the sperm provider, the bio-dad. I found the experience very enriching and powerful. I am close to some of the half-sibs.

    You aren't alone!

    Barry Stevens

  3. Hi Stephanie
    I understand what you are saying.
    For me I don't think the pain will ever go completely. Sharing it with other offspring has been the best therapy for myself (part of the sharing the burden as you put it).
    We all, always wonder if we will ever find him. Rejection is something that we have no control over, however I seriously doubt that anyone would be rejected in this sort of scenario based on religion.

  4. Hey Stephanie,
    Bill Cordray does not have a google account and asked me to post this on his behalf
    ox Karen

    Hi Stephanie:

    My story is similar to yours and I have full empathy for what you have been through. I have been dealing with it since 1983, when I was finally told at age 37, just a few weeks after my younger DI brother died from a sudden illness and a year after my father died from diabetes. My search was fairly long but so frustrating that I gave up after a couple of years. I also feel thwarted by a fear of rejection from my genetic father. Now that I have a better chance of identifying him through my Y-chromosome on various DNA genealogy sites, I still hold off due to that fear and just plain rationalization and procrastination. I also feel, like you, that it somehow isn't enough to know this father but my spiritual father. I don't have a membership in any church but do feel the need to know something beyond information.

    I wonder why you feel the need to keep this secret. I often felt embarrassed by it and didn't want to speak about it with others but did feel that righteous anger towards the injustice of the system of Donor insemination that generates so much secrecy and deception. I finally decided that I had to be open to be able to release these frustrations. As Barry says above, that experience of speaking about it is empowering and, I think, enriching through its expression of faith in the humanity of those we try to persuade. I feel that people will see the truth as intrinsically one of spirituality, beyond simple justice.

    When you feel the worst, please know that we, the millions of us who have been deceived and mistreated by this unjust system, know how you feel and wish you peace.

    Bill Cordray

  5. Hi Stephanie,
    I'm also donor conceived & understand how you're feeling. I found out about my conception at 15. At the time it was so shocking to me that I chose not to deal with it or talk to anyone about it for years. When I did start to process it all I was angry & outraged that such an injustice could have happened to me. I struggled to understand how some one could create a life and not want to know that life.
    Now it's been a few years & I have come to a place of acceptance. Not to say that I'm not curious, but I don't feel I have the energy to go at it like I did a few years ago. I'll always want to know who my biological father is & pray that one day I will.
    Stay strong & remember that you're not alone!
    Narelle x