Within a few minutes of hearing about my conception using artificial insemination, I had figured out that this was going to be something in the forefront of my mind for quite a while. Of course, in the "early days" it was so much in my thoughts that it crowded out other thoughts. Now, almost 9 months later, it's still there at the beginning and end of each day and everywhere in between.
Yes, life is 'normal' again - I go through each day without sitting at my computer for several hours at a time, but its still there in my thoughts and frankly, I'm just tired. I'm tired of escaping it for a little while, only to remember again and feel the shock of it all over again. I'm tired of having memories of my childhood pop into my mind, only to look at them from a different angle now. I'm tired of keeping secrets. I'm tired of wondering if I'll ever find my biological father and if I do, is he going to reject me simply because I exist? If he doesn't reject me from the beginning, will he reject me because I'm a Christian?
I feel completely drained, and its in all areas of life. And as I reread that last sentence, I'm reminded of Matthew 11.28 where Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." I would not be able to cope with this if it weren't for the Lord. I am just too easily broken to be able to carry such a load on my own. So I guess I just told myself what the answer is: I'm tired because I'm trying to carry it on my own.