Tuesday, January 26, 2010

New news

I mentioned a couple of posts ago that I now have a yearbook that I've been looking through.  I found a couple of men who were possibilities, but one in particular stands out. 

Since seeing this one particular picture, and just how much I think I look like him, its been pretty emotional for me.  I think that I've exchanged one frustration (not knowing) for another frustration (could it be him? and what do I do now?). 

I want to contact this man, yet I know that I've got to wait and just process all of this.  But I'm not sure if I should contact him or not.  At this moment, I can look at the picture and assume that he is probably my bio-father, and maybe be satisfied for a while.  It isn't definite, it isn't a bullet-proof theory, but it is somewhat satisfactory. 

If I contact him, though, I open myself up to varying degrees of rejection, and then I'm back at square one.  But on the other hand, maybe he would want to hear from me.  There is a world of possibilities.  And frankly, having a half-baked lead is better than a complete rejection.  But complete rejection is still better than wondering what might have been.

So between the emotional roller coaster and not knowing whether I should contact him or not, I've been doing a lot of praying.  Maybe "praying" isn't the right word.  This is more like one of my little children who cries to be held when they don't feel good.  I'm sitting in the floor, crying, with my arms outstretched, waiting for God to pick me up.  And He does, and its so good to know that He is ordering each step, even when I'm unsure about which step to take.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Forgiveness part 3

There is a place for anger toward unrighteousness.  As a matter of fact, unrighteousness should cause those who love righteousness to become angry because unrighteousness tramples underfoot what is right and good. 

I am so thankful to God for those men and women who are working, whether through the court system to change laws, or through society by making others aware of the situation of donor conceived people, so that younger generations don't have to know the pain of missing biological connections.   Many people have taken their anger and hurt and made it constructive.  This is defending the helpless, and it is a good thing to do.

This also brings me to the point of this blog - anger and what should be done with it.  Missing out on knowing a biological parent isn't a small hurt.  It's a big, gaping wound, and platitudes or harsh words don't make it better.  There is real hurt and anger that must be dealt with, or it can eat us alive, like the most aggressive form of cancer you can imagine. 

If our anger is only used as fuel to change laws and attitudes, there is no lasting change.  Look beyond the here and now and think about eternity.  If it were possible to make it so that no child wondered who his father was, it would be a good thing, but in the great scheme of things, it doesn't make a hill of beans difference. 

How sad it would be if we all knew our biological fathers, yet never get to know our real Father.  If our anger for unrighteousness only drives us to fix the temporary, but never leads us to search for the eternal, we are short-sighted.  I started this blog because I know there are people like me who hurt more than I do because they don't have the comfort that I have.  I know my real Father.  I want you to know Him, too.

Monday, January 18, 2010

And now for the news...

I have some big news!  I received a book last week.  It's a yearbook of sorts, and it has pictures of the graduates who would have been on campus at the time I was conceived.  I am so excited to have this book in my hands, because I can now look at the faces and see the names.  The Lord provided a way for me to get this book, both financially, and through an alum of the university.  My prayer for this new year is that God would be honored through my search and that He would lead me to answers.  And if not the answers I am looking for, then peace to guard me from anxiety.

And I will have the last part of "Forgiveness" coming soon.  We've been out of town twice since the year started, and we are trying to get back into life.