Monday, November 2, 2009

What This Has Done In My Life

Finding out that my dad isn't my biological father was pretty devastating. I felt as though who I am somehow cracked, like an old sidewalk that has worn with age. It was all I could think about. It seemed as though my entire childhood was based on a lie - my dad, who was such an important part of my childhood, was raising another man's child. When he looked at me, what did he think?

The fact is, though something in me broke, it wasn't a permanent broken-ness. It was cracked, but not unfixable. My dad does love me, and did love me and I know in my heart that he couldn't have loved me any more than if I were his biological child. Any questions that would arise in my mind as to whether he ever regretted having me are chased away by the knowledge that I am loved by my dad, even as the Parkinson's strips away his faculties.

As for my father whom I do not know, every waking moment was filled with thoughts of him. What does he look like? Would he like me? How am I like him? Do I have any of his personality? Did he marry and have children? How many times did he 'donate' - are there other siblings? I would look at my children and wonder who their grandfather is. I would look at myself and wonder who I was seeing in the mirror. Washing dishes and wondering about my grandparents. Grocery shopping and checking the faces of the tall men who have dark hair. It seemed to never end. There were days that I couldn't carry on conversations without struggling to focus. He is still in my thoughts, though not like he was.

All of this has caused me to be even more thankful to God because He has made me His child, which makes Him my Father. I have no doubt that I know who my true Father is, and that knowledge is more valuable to me than anything else. He will never hide His identity from me, never make me wonder who He is. He created me with the purpose of bringing Him glory, and I hope that my life does that. The Bible says that God works all things for good for those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose, which means that even in this situation, God is working things out for my good. That "good" may not look the way I expect it to look, but that is where I trust Him and learn that "good" is all in perspective. When Jesus died on the cross, those who had followed Him for three years and those who had loved Him didn't see any good at all. But once they understood that Jesus had to die but then rise again, their perspective changed. Suddenly, the cross was good because it made a way for us to be redeemed.

I may not fully see on this side of death what the good is in this situation, but I know that I can trust Christ.

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