Sunday, November 1, 2009

The Hard Days

When I first found out that my Dad isn't my biological father, I had no idea who I could talk to about it. I didn't know anyone who has advertised the fact that they are donor conceived. I couldn't afford a therapist. My pastor has never dealt with this before, but since my pastor is also my husband, he learned as we went. He was a comfort to me by holding me and loving me and letting me just talk, but he couldn't offer that "been there, done that" experience.

I needed someone to minister to me in a deep way. Telling me that I should be thankful for the dad that I have and that I'm selfish to want to know my biological father doesn't meet that need.  I needed someone to point me to the Father that I do know.  Fortunately I know how to pick up my Bible and read, because that's all I had as far as "therapy" - God Himself who knows exactly what I was feeling. 

There were four really hard, difficult, how-am-I-going-to-get-on-with-life kind of days.  The first day that I found out, followed by the next day, which was harder than the first.  "Shock" is a funny thing.  I think the second day was harder because the news was becoming reality.  Yet I was still in shock.  I think it was at least 2 months, maybe closer to 3 before I felt as though I wasn't in shock anymore.  How do you deal with the reality that your entire life (for me, 32 years) was spent believing that one man is your father, only to find out that he isn't?  My dad has had such a huge influence on me, good, bad, and ugly, but mostly for the good!  I felt that I was stuck in a nightmare and could not wake up.  I was helpless to do anything to change my situation.  So I prayed.

God really did answer in an incredible way.  He hasn't brought my biological father to my door-step (I have prayed that, though!) but He has given me the peace to know that He is not in shock, but has planned this for my good and His glory.  Sounds crazy, I know.  How does not knowing who my father is good for me?  Frankly, I don't know.  But I do know that the Bible says that He works all things for the good for those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose, so either the Bible is lying, or I just cannot yet understand how God is working this situation for my good.  I know Scripture doesn't lie, so that leaves me with waiting to see how it is worked out for my good.  I only know that God is good and as His child, He knows how to take care of me.  So even when it hurts, I trust Him.

The other two really hard days were the days that I found out there were no records left from my mother's visits to Dr. Aiman's offices and the first day that my house was quiet and I had time to think in silence.  That may have been the hardest day of all. 

My older children where gone to their grandparent's home, and my babies were napping.  The entire day was much less noisy than normal, and once the little ones were sleeping, it was really quiet.  No noise was intruding on my thoughts.  I had 6 weeks to settle in to this new reality, and it really hit me hard that afternoon: somewhere out there is a man who is my father.  How do I live not knowing who he is?  How do I go on not knowing where I came from?  Who my grandparents are/were?  Do I have half sisters and/or brothers?  How could I NOT know??

My emotions had my mind spinning out of control.  The weight of the whole situation was pushing my soul down into this darkness that I'd never experienced before.  When I first found out that I wasn't my dad's, I felt darkness trying to push into my heart, but it didn't get too far.  This time, the darkness wasn't pushing in on me, but I was slipping down into it.  I've never dealt with depression before, and thankfully, I haven't had any major traumas in my life that I had to experience on my own.  My husband and I lost our first baby to miscarriage, he has been unemployed, we've lived with both sets of our parents, but these were things that we went through together.  This situation, this having my heart ripped out...this was mine to deal with.  My husband was with me, for sure, but I felt alone. 

I could feel myself being pulled down into a pit of dispair and I was desperate to get out of it before it enveloped all of me.  But how do you get out of that if you can't change anything? 

My husband came home to find me crying over the sink in the kitchen.  He knew what I was going through, but neither of us knew that THIS was coming.  He sat on the couch with me while I blew up at him.  He didn't know how to help, but listening was what I needed from him and he did a great job of that. 

His best friend had also come home with him, so the two of them listened to me and then talked to me, and I don't remember any great fantastic things that they said, but they were there and that really helped.

After they left again, I got my Bible and read.  I don't remember what.  Somewhere in the Psalms.  God used His Word as a salve on my heart.  He plucked me out of the darkness.  He gave me peace.  Just as Jesus calmed the storm when He was on the boat with the disciples, He calmed the storm in my heart. 

No comments:

Post a Comment