I posted this on FamilyScholars.org the other day. Thought I'd put it here, too. There were several good comments if you want to jump over there and read them.
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After finding out that my parents used a sperm donor to conceive me, the first place I went to on the Internet to find support was a bulletin board of moms that I frequented. It didn’t occur to me to use Google to find other donor conceived people. I just went to the sites I always went to. I posted a message asking if anyone was conceived with a sperm donor.
My very first reply was from a lady whose sister had used a sperm donor, and the little girl was about 3. This lady told me that I needed to write my parents a thank you note for raising me. She was very hostile and rude about it.
I don’t think I was mad about it so much as I was hurt. I needed someone to throw me a lifeline to pull me out of the depth of despair that was taking over my life, and she threw me a ton of bricks to sink me even deeper.
Since then, I’ve had a few responses that I assume were not well thought-out before they came out of the person’s mouth. I’ve been told that sperm donation is like giving blood, and that it’s like adoption. A couple of people have asked if I still think of my (social) dad as Dad.
So I’d like to clear up a few* misconceived ideas about donor conception. Please note that feelings about donor conception vary greatly from person to person. Sometimes, feelings vary greatly within just one person; they may be fine with it one day, and angry about it the next day.
I enlisted the help of several donor conceived people who contributed some of the misconceptions that they’ve heard from people. My thanks to you.
Misconception #1: “My Daddy’s Name is Donor.” The term “donor conceived” is actually an inaccurate term for most of us. Our fathers (or mothers in the case of egg donations) never “donated” gametes, but were paid for their services. A donation is what is given out of the generosity of heart, but money exchanged for goods is called a transaction. “Transaction conceived” doesn’t really have a nice ring to it, though, does it?
Misconception #2: The donor is not a parent. Once I got over the initial shock of this new reality, I realized that there is a man out there who is my biological father. Not just a “nice man” who helped create me, but an actual father; a man with whom I have a real substantial connection. Please realize that donors are not like McDonald’s where you can go and pick up a Dr. Pepper. I can buy a Dr. Pepper from McDonald’s close to home or three states away and it will be pretty much the same. I can even go to Wendy’s and get the exact same Dr. Pepper as McDonald’s.
A man and his sperm are not like a restaurant and its soft drinks. No man is exactly like another man, and his sperm is not exactly the same as another man’s sperm. The DNA that my father contributed to my creation cannot be duplicated by anyone else (unless he has an identical twin). My father’s sperm is uniquely his. I, Stephanie, exist because his sperm containing his unique DNA fertilized my mother’s egg with her unique DNA. He helped create me. He isn’t my Dad, but he is my father.
Misconception #3: Agreeing to parent another man’s child makes a man a Dad. This may or may not be true, depending on the man. Not all donor conceived people have good relationships with their social fathers. I am so blessed that I have a fantastic Dad who raised me. But many social fathers never really become “Daddy” to the child who was conceived with another man’s sperm. I think it takes a really special man to become a Dad (and by the name Dad, I’m implying that there is a special affectionate relationship to the child and he’s not just an authority figure) whether it is through donation, adoption, step-parenting, or any other situation in which a man finds himself parenting.
Misconception #4: Really wanting a child makes you a good parent. Even when a child is “really wanted,” it doesn’t guarantee that “really wanted” translates into good parenthood any more than getting pregnant by surprise makes a person a good parent.
As for a person being told that they were “really wanted,” one woman put it this way: “Well actually, NO! The baby my parents REALLY wanted was the one they could never have. I was just their second best option.”
Misconception #5: Using a donor is a cure to infertility. A cure to infertility is getting a couple pregnant using their own gametes when pregnancy wasn’t happening previous to the cure. Using a donor doesn’t make a couple fertile – it simply gets the woman pregnant using another man’s sperm. The husband/partner is still infertile.
Misconception #6: Every DC person wants a relationship with their non-present biological parent. Not every donor conceived person wants to find their biological father. Not everyone wants him to stay anonymous, either. People may bounce back and forth between both emotions over time. Some may want varying degrees of “knowing” – anywhere from a full-blown relationship to just seeing a picture and knowing a name. Others may just want a medical history. It’s not a safe assumption to think you know how a person feels about having knowledge about their biological parent. They themselves may not know what exactly they want.
Misconception #7: Donating sperm/eggs is like donating blood. Blood sustains life that already exists. Sperm/eggs are necessary to create life. I see no comparison at all.
Misconception #8: My child doesn’t need their biological parent. I/We are all they need. I’ve read it in the comments, both here and other places; couples feel that their love will fill all of the spaces in the child’s heart. I do want to say this as gently, but clearly as possible, because I’m aware that the love that a parent has for a child is so incredibly important. You are important to the child, whether you are the biological parent or not. If you are there in the child’s life, and you play the role of a loving parent, your child does need your love. No child can have too much love. But please understand that a child who grows up wanting to know who their biological parent is probably isn’t rejecting your love. There is just a need in many of us to know who they came from. You can never fill that hole in their heart. It isn’t because you aren’t a good enough parent. It’s because the hole is in the shape of the missing biological parent, and no matter how hard you try, you won’t fit into that shape any more than a square is going to fit into a round hole.
Misconception #9: Looking for my biological father means that I don’t love the man who raised me. False. The man who raised me is my Dad and always will be. Searching for my biological father in no way negates my love for my Dad. I have five children and I love all of them with my whole heart. I didn’t run out of love after the first one. That’s the great thing about love – loving one person doesn’t mean that there is no love left for anyone else. I love my Dad. I am interested in finding my father. These realities don’t cancel each other out. They coexist.
Misconception #10: Donor conception is just like adoption. Adoption happens when a child cannot be raised by his/her family for whatever reason. The parents are deceased or unfit or unavailable to take care of their child (or in some cases, forced to give up their child). The child isn’t generally created with the purpose of giving them away to another family.
Donor conception, on the other hand, is purposefully endeavoring to create a child who will never know or be with half of their biological family. The missing family will either be replaced by the mother’s partner’s family, or completely discarded all together (as in the case of single parents). Before the child is even created, half of the family tie is severed.
Misconception #11: All donor conceived people have a victim mentality. “Victim” is defined as “one that is acted on and usually adversely affected by a force or agent.” I would say that I have absolutely been adversely affected by a force or agent. I know that there are others who would say the same thing. But a victim mentality? No. I see men and women who are working hard to change laws around the world to protect those who haven’t yet been conceived in this manner from the pain that we endure. The blogs and articles I’ve read are about people who are trying to affect change within culture by making society aware of this situation.
(*There are SO MANY MORE misconceptions regarding donor conception – Tangled Webs UK is a great resource to read more about it. Check it out here and here.)
Copyright 2009-2011
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Wow
God's up to something! I am now blogging over at FamilyScholars.org - or at least I have the goal of blogging there. My children are home from their grandparent's house and life is back in full swing. Finding the time to sit and complete at thought has been challenging, but I'm so thankful for the opportunity to be there.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
I Went Home. Sort of.
Last week, we made the impossible trip.
When we left Dallas almost 9 years ago, I was glad. 9/11 had just happened and I was nervous about living in such a big city. We were on our way to East Texas with our first child who was 3 months old. Toward the end of our one year in East Texas, we planned on going back to Dallas to start a church with one of my husband's friends. We temporarily moved in with my inlaws for what we thought would be 2 months until we could go back to Dallas. During those 2 months, we made a couple of trips back to Big D.
And then we realized that we should not be part of that church plant. The circumstances changed and we bowed out. So then we were stuck in Louisiana with no job for my husband and I was pregnant with our second child.
The thought of Dallas was the thought of home. I missed it like a child misses her mother. I still can't even tell you why that place had such a place in my heart. Perhaps it was because I lived there until I was 7 and had fond memories of it, or because it was where I married my sweetheart, or miscarried our first baby, or where I gave birth to our oldest son. Maybe it was the friends we had, maybe it was the materialism and the lights. Maybe it was the wide open sky view that wasn't obstructed by those stupidly tall pine trees that grew in East Texas. Dallas was in my blood. I wanted to go back.
I didn't go back for 8 years.
When we hit north Texas last week, driving in on I-30, it was wonderful. The sky was full of clouds, but it was a huge sky, nevertheless. We got to our friends' home, ate dinner with them, and while they went to bed, we went driving. We drove for a good 2 hours that night, after being in the car for 9 hours that day. We went downtown and saw just how much it had grown. We saw First Dallas, where my husband was on staff for a short while and looked at the new building. We enjoyed I-75 because it's got to be one of the prettiest interstates in the country between downtown and 635 going north.
The next day, we loaded up and went to see our last apartment before we moved away. We got to see friends unexpectedly. And then we went to see it. The place where I was conceived. It wasn't the home my parents lived it. It was a University.
I cried from the time I saw it until we drove away. My dear husband pulled over in the middle of the campus and prayed for me as tears streamed down my cheeks. I looked at the sidewalks and the doors and windows and wondered where he walked and what windows he looked out of. I wondered where his classes were. I wonder if he parked his car where we were parked.
It was a weak connection to the man who sold his sperm to help create me, but it was all I had.
When we left Dallas almost 9 years ago, I was glad. 9/11 had just happened and I was nervous about living in such a big city. We were on our way to East Texas with our first child who was 3 months old. Toward the end of our one year in East Texas, we planned on going back to Dallas to start a church with one of my husband's friends. We temporarily moved in with my inlaws for what we thought would be 2 months until we could go back to Dallas. During those 2 months, we made a couple of trips back to Big D.
And then we realized that we should not be part of that church plant. The circumstances changed and we bowed out. So then we were stuck in Louisiana with no job for my husband and I was pregnant with our second child.
The thought of Dallas was the thought of home. I missed it like a child misses her mother. I still can't even tell you why that place had such a place in my heart. Perhaps it was because I lived there until I was 7 and had fond memories of it, or because it was where I married my sweetheart, or miscarried our first baby, or where I gave birth to our oldest son. Maybe it was the friends we had, maybe it was the materialism and the lights. Maybe it was the wide open sky view that wasn't obstructed by those stupidly tall pine trees that grew in East Texas. Dallas was in my blood. I wanted to go back.
I didn't go back for 8 years.
When we hit north Texas last week, driving in on I-30, it was wonderful. The sky was full of clouds, but it was a huge sky, nevertheless. We got to our friends' home, ate dinner with them, and while they went to bed, we went driving. We drove for a good 2 hours that night, after being in the car for 9 hours that day. We went downtown and saw just how much it had grown. We saw First Dallas, where my husband was on staff for a short while and looked at the new building. We enjoyed I-75 because it's got to be one of the prettiest interstates in the country between downtown and 635 going north.
The next day, we loaded up and went to see our last apartment before we moved away. We got to see friends unexpectedly. And then we went to see it. The place where I was conceived. It wasn't the home my parents lived it. It was a University.
I cried from the time I saw it until we drove away. My dear husband pulled over in the middle of the campus and prayed for me as tears streamed down my cheeks. I looked at the sidewalks and the doors and windows and wondered where he walked and what windows he looked out of. I wondered where his classes were. I wonder if he parked his car where we were parked.
It was a weak connection to the man who sold his sperm to help create me, but it was all I had.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Research...
I've done several hours worth of research online in the past few days. Looking for doctors who could be my bio-father is tedious and back breaking. Literally. My back hurts from sitting at my desk. But it's kinda therapeutic to find all of these men who were on campus at UT Southwestern Dallas when I was conceived in 1976.
Most of them were from Texas according to the commencement lists I have, and most of them went back home to Texas after completing their residency elsewhere. Some of them work in parts of Dallas, close to where my husband and I lived when we married. It makes me wonder if we ever saw any of my bio-father's classmates when we lived there, or if our friends who still live in the DFW area are patients of these men that I'm looking at.
It's really very interesting work, finding out about these doctors. I've only found one of them so far who appears to have died. A few I can't find online at all. A couple of them have sons who A) were named after their fathers so that they both have the same name and B) are doctors, just like dear old dad. Fortunately I can determine who I am looking at by checking out their education information.
A little more than half of the men I've found have current pictures online. That is incredibly helpful, because I then have a young and old picture to compare my features with.
I've had a friend offer to help me look. I appreciated the offer, but I declined. When I said it's therapeutic to track these me, I was serious. Somehow, it feels like I'm connecting to my father by finding out who he rubbed shoulders with for four years. That looks really strange to write, and it probably sounds strange to read, but it's all I've got! Also, I don't want someone else to miss some vital bit of information that might be helpful!
My fear is that my father wasn't a medical student at all, but was there in some other position, whether as part of the fellowship my mother's doctor was part of, or who knows - even a janitor. I'm just so afraid that he is someone that I will never be able to track and my heart will be in limbo for the rest of my life.
There are some younger people who have donor numbers to work from, and then there are those like me who *know* their fathers were med students, and thus have a student body to work from, but then there are those who have no more information than their mother's doctor's name. So I'm thankful that I have as much information as I do to work from.
One of the things that I really dislike about myself is that I'm so critical of people. Probably the biggest group of people that I'm critical of are the TV Christians who peddle the "gospel" to line their pockets. Often times, it is no true Gospel that these people preach, but they sell Jesus as a means to an end. "If you'll send your money to me, God is going to give you more money than your bank account can hold!" It's called the prosperity gospel. It's getting Jesus so you can get your Mercedes and big house. It's a bunch of baloney.
Yet sometimes, I find myself thinking in the same way these buffoons preach - if God really loves me, he'll show me who my father is! I love Jesus, so Jesus owes me! UGH - I can't tell you how much I despise this thinking, and how I hate finding it in my own heart!
Jesus doesn't owe me anything, as if I could do something that could make him indebted to me. He is God of all creation...He is going to do what He wants to do without consulting me. And I'm so glad! I can trust that He will do what is right, because He works everything out for the good for those who love Him.
However, it doesn't mean that I don't keep praying and keep searching. I keep on keepin' on because I have to. Even when it means a backache.
Most of them were from Texas according to the commencement lists I have, and most of them went back home to Texas after completing their residency elsewhere. Some of them work in parts of Dallas, close to where my husband and I lived when we married. It makes me wonder if we ever saw any of my bio-father's classmates when we lived there, or if our friends who still live in the DFW area are patients of these men that I'm looking at.
It's really very interesting work, finding out about these doctors. I've only found one of them so far who appears to have died. A few I can't find online at all. A couple of them have sons who A) were named after their fathers so that they both have the same name and B) are doctors, just like dear old dad. Fortunately I can determine who I am looking at by checking out their education information.
A little more than half of the men I've found have current pictures online. That is incredibly helpful, because I then have a young and old picture to compare my features with.
I've had a friend offer to help me look. I appreciated the offer, but I declined. When I said it's therapeutic to track these me, I was serious. Somehow, it feels like I'm connecting to my father by finding out who he rubbed shoulders with for four years. That looks really strange to write, and it probably sounds strange to read, but it's all I've got! Also, I don't want someone else to miss some vital bit of information that might be helpful!
My fear is that my father wasn't a medical student at all, but was there in some other position, whether as part of the fellowship my mother's doctor was part of, or who knows - even a janitor. I'm just so afraid that he is someone that I will never be able to track and my heart will be in limbo for the rest of my life.
There are some younger people who have donor numbers to work from, and then there are those like me who *know* their fathers were med students, and thus have a student body to work from, but then there are those who have no more information than their mother's doctor's name. So I'm thankful that I have as much information as I do to work from.
One of the things that I really dislike about myself is that I'm so critical of people. Probably the biggest group of people that I'm critical of are the TV Christians who peddle the "gospel" to line their pockets. Often times, it is no true Gospel that these people preach, but they sell Jesus as a means to an end. "If you'll send your money to me, God is going to give you more money than your bank account can hold!" It's called the prosperity gospel. It's getting Jesus so you can get your Mercedes and big house. It's a bunch of baloney.
Yet sometimes, I find myself thinking in the same way these buffoons preach - if God really loves me, he'll show me who my father is! I love Jesus, so Jesus owes me! UGH - I can't tell you how much I despise this thinking, and how I hate finding it in my own heart!
Jesus doesn't owe me anything, as if I could do something that could make him indebted to me. He is God of all creation...He is going to do what He wants to do without consulting me. And I'm so glad! I can trust that He will do what is right, because He works everything out for the good for those who love Him.
However, it doesn't mean that I don't keep praying and keep searching. I keep on keepin' on because I have to. Even when it means a backache.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
I'm still here!
It's been a few weeks since I last posted and I hate taking so long to blog. I could bore you details about life here, but I won't. But I will say that I've read more in the last week than I have all year and much of my free time has been spent on the couch soaking up good books.
It's been several weeks since I've done any research online. I had a virus on my computer that redirected web pages that I clicked on, making any kind of searching next to impossible. Now that that's cleaned off my system, I can get back to work. It's on my to-do list for this week.
I'm also cleaning up an article that I'm working on. More on that later, I hope.
I still want to finish answering questions that I've been asked in the past. That's on the to-do list, too. Maybe I can put the books down for a little while and complete my to-do list.
It's been several weeks since I've done any research online. I had a virus on my computer that redirected web pages that I clicked on, making any kind of searching next to impossible. Now that that's cleaned off my system, I can get back to work. It's on my to-do list for this week.
I'm also cleaning up an article that I'm working on. More on that later, I hope.
I still want to finish answering questions that I've been asked in the past. That's on the to-do list, too. Maybe I can put the books down for a little while and complete my to-do list.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Hi Anonymous!
Thanks for reading my blog and rooting for me!
Yes, I've read the argument that you recorded before and I think it is definitely true. I've been writing something else, outside of my blog, and I actually talked about that idea. As I was trying to describe it, I realized that Newton's Third Law of Physics perfectly describes the way I feel, and certainly I'm not the only one. Newton's Law says, "For ever action, there is an equal and opposite reaction." The action that my parents took to alleviate their pain caused me to have pain - the reaction.
Kathleen LaBounty says it this way: "I just think it's a transferring of loss," Kathleen says today. "The parents are pursuing this, and by going through anonymous donation, they get their dream of parenthood. But then that loss is just transferred to us..." (see article here)
Yes, I've read the argument that you recorded before and I think it is definitely true. I've been writing something else, outside of my blog, and I actually talked about that idea. As I was trying to describe it, I realized that Newton's Third Law of Physics perfectly describes the way I feel, and certainly I'm not the only one. Newton's Law says, "For ever action, there is an equal and opposite reaction." The action that my parents took to alleviate their pain caused me to have pain - the reaction.
Kathleen LaBounty says it this way: "I just think it's a transferring of loss," Kathleen says today. "The parents are pursuing this, and by going through anonymous donation, they get their dream of parenthood. But then that loss is just transferred to us..." (see article here)
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Addressing Questions...
I've been asked several questions and even been posed a few scenarios, whether through comments left on this blog or private emails. I'm finally getting around to answering those, even if the original person who asked never reads the answer.
First, one man said that he was a sperm donor because he is a Christian and sited Isaiah 4:1. He writes:
There are several problems with this but I'll just hit two. The biggest problem is that Isaiah 4.1 doesn't actually say what he quotes. I looked in at least 14 different translations of this verse, and only one says anything about children (that version was The Message which I don't even consider a good source). The English Standard Version says:
These women wanted to be married! Yes, they wanted children, too, but the point was not JUST to have children but to be married. This actually flies in the face of sperm donation, even more so sperm donations to lesbians because women can never be married to women in the true sense of the word, no matter what laws are passed.
The second issue is this: God created marriage. God created sex. God created sex for marriage. When we take sex outside of the context of marriage, we consequently take the chance of creating a child outside of that relationship. Even sperm donation/artificial insemination, which isn't sex, is the creation of a child outside of the marriage and it's wrong. When did making babies without sex become right and normal?
So while I think that this particular gentleman's goal is to help people, it isn't biblically sound.
Movin' on...
Karen commented:
Yeah! I realized this a day or two after I learned of my conception. Jesus was not raised by a biological father, yet because Jesus was without sin, I know he honored Joseph and loved him dearly. God's goal for His children is to make us more like Christ in how we think and act. It was an encouragement to know that Jesus was in a similar situation (though with VAST differences) to me.
Next...
Yes, I am glad I'm alive. Disliking how I got here has nothing to do with liking that I'm here now.
Yes, I love my Dad. Looking for my biological father in no way negates my love for my dad.
Yes, I still call him Dad. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't appreciate being called by his first name.
No, I will not write a thank you note to my parents for raising me simply because I was conceived via AI. I didn't have anything to do with it.
No, I will not write them a thank you note just because my Dad loved me even though I'm not biologically his. He and my mother made the decision together to have me so he's supposed to raise me and love me. (It seems like there is a Chris Rock joke in there somewhere) It's called being a dad.
Instead, I tell them all the time that I love them. I do my best to honor them in every way. I've thanked them repeatedly over the years for taking care of me. I thank them because I love them and it's my joy to thank them and to be thankful to God for them.
So this is turning out to be much longer than what I intended it to be and I'm not done yet. Maybe one more post will finish it up.
First, one man said that he was a sperm donor because he is a Christian and sited Isaiah 4:1. He writes:
I try to fufill the cry in Isaiah 4:1 "In those latter days 7 women will take hold of one man and cry take away our reproach and give us children"
There are several problems with this but I'll just hit two. The biggest problem is that Isaiah 4.1 doesn't actually say what he quotes. I looked in at least 14 different translations of this verse, and only one says anything about children (that version was The Message which I don't even consider a good source). The English Standard Version says:
And seven women shall take hold of one man in that day, saying, "We will eat our own bread and wear our own clothes, only let us be called by your name; take away our reproach."
These women wanted to be married! Yes, they wanted children, too, but the point was not JUST to have children but to be married. This actually flies in the face of sperm donation, even more so sperm donations to lesbians because women can never be married to women in the true sense of the word, no matter what laws are passed.
The second issue is this: God created marriage. God created sex. God created sex for marriage. When we take sex outside of the context of marriage, we consequently take the chance of creating a child outside of that relationship. Even sperm donation/artificial insemination, which isn't sex, is the creation of a child outside of the marriage and it's wrong. When did making babies without sex become right and normal?
So while I think that this particular gentleman's goal is to help people, it isn't biblically sound.
Movin' on...
Karen commented:
As far as I understand, Jesus was the first 'artifically conceived' child person in historial record. That did not make Joseph any less his dad nor did it change their love for each other. But it goes without saying that Jesus knew who his father was and had very meaningful relationship with him.
Yeah! I realized this a day or two after I learned of my conception. Jesus was not raised by a biological father, yet because Jesus was without sin, I know he honored Joseph and loved him dearly. God's goal for His children is to make us more like Christ in how we think and act. It was an encouragement to know that Jesus was in a similar situation (though with VAST differences) to me.
Next...
Yes, I am glad I'm alive. Disliking how I got here has nothing to do with liking that I'm here now.
Yes, I love my Dad. Looking for my biological father in no way negates my love for my dad.
Yes, I still call him Dad. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't appreciate being called by his first name.
No, I will not write a thank you note to my parents for raising me simply because I was conceived via AI. I didn't have anything to do with it.
No, I will not write them a thank you note just because my Dad loved me even though I'm not biologically his. He and my mother made the decision together to have me so he's supposed to raise me and love me. (It seems like there is a Chris Rock joke in there somewhere) It's called being a dad.
Instead, I tell them all the time that I love them. I do my best to honor them in every way. I've thanked them repeatedly over the years for taking care of me. I thank them because I love them and it's my joy to thank them and to be thankful to God for them.
So this is turning out to be much longer than what I intended it to be and I'm not done yet. Maybe one more post will finish it up.
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