Research...

I've done several hours worth of research online in the past few days.  Looking for doctors who could be my bio-father is tedious and back breaking.  Literally.  My back hurts from sitting at my desk.  But it's kinda therapeutic to find all of these men who were on campus at UT Southwestern Dallas when I was conceived in 1976. 

Most of them were from Texas according to the commencement lists I have, and most of them went back home to Texas after completing their residency elsewhere.  Some of them work in parts of Dallas, close to where my husband and I lived when we married.  It makes me wonder if we ever saw any of my bio-father's classmates when we lived there, or if our friends who still live in the DFW area are patients of these men that I'm looking at. 

It's really very interesting work, finding out about these doctors.  I've only found one of them so far who appears to have died.  A few I can't find online at all.  A couple of them have sons who A) were named after their fathers so that they both have the same name and B) are doctors, just like dear old dad.  Fortunately I can determine who I am looking at by checking out their education  information. 

A little more than half of the men I've found have current pictures online.  That is incredibly helpful, because I then have a young and old picture to compare my features with.

I've had a friend offer to help me look.  I appreciated the offer, but I declined.  When I said it's therapeutic to track these me, I was serious.  Somehow, it feels like I'm connecting to my father by finding out who he rubbed shoulders with for four years.  That looks really strange to write, and it probably sounds strange to read, but it's all I've got!  Also, I don't want someone else to miss some vital bit of information that might be helpful!

My fear is that my father wasn't a medical student at all, but was there in some other position, whether as part of the fellowship my mother's doctor was part of, or who knows - even a janitor.  I'm just so afraid that he is someone that I will never be able to track and my heart will be in limbo for the rest of my life. 

There are some younger people who have donor numbers to work from, and then there are those like me who *know* their fathers were med students, and thus have a student body to work from, but then there are those who have no more information than their mother's doctor's name.  So I'm thankful that I have as much information as I do to work from.

One of the things that I really dislike about myself is that I'm so critical of people.  Probably the biggest group of people that I'm critical of are the TV Christians who peddle the "gospel" to line their pockets.  Often times, it is no true Gospel that these people preach, but they sell Jesus as a means to an end.  "If you'll send your money to me, God is going to give you more money than your bank account can hold!"  It's called the prosperity gospel.  It's getting Jesus so you can get your Mercedes and big house.  It's a bunch of baloney.

Yet sometimes, I find myself thinking in the same way these buffoons preach - if God really loves me, he'll show me who my father is!  I love Jesus, so Jesus owes me!  UGH - I can't tell you how much I despise this thinking, and how I hate finding it in my own heart! 

Jesus doesn't owe me anything, as if I could do something that could make him indebted to me.  He is God of all creation...He is going to do what He wants to do without consulting me.  And I'm so glad!  I can trust that He will do what is right, because He works everything out for the good for those who love Him. 

However, it doesn't mean that I don't keep praying and keep searching.  I keep on keepin' on because I have to.  Even when it means a backache.