Addressing Questions...

I've been asked several questions and even been posed a few scenarios, whether through comments left on this blog or private emails.  I'm finally getting around to answering those, even if the original person who asked never reads the answer.

First, one man said that he was a sperm donor because he is a Christian and sited Isaiah 4:1.  He writes:

I try to fufill the cry in Isaiah 4:1 "In those latter days 7 women will take hold of one man and cry take away our reproach and give us children"

There are several problems with this but I'll just hit two.  The biggest problem is that Isaiah 4.1 doesn't actually say what he quotes.  I looked in at least 14 different translations of this verse, and only one says anything about children (that version was The Message which I don't even consider a good source).  The English Standard Version says:

And seven women shall take hold of one man in that day, saying, "We will eat our own bread and wear our own clothes, only let us be called by your name; take away our reproach."

These women wanted to be married!  Yes, they wanted children, too, but the point was not JUST to have children but to be married.  This actually flies in the face of sperm donation, even more so sperm donations to lesbians because women can never be married to women in the true sense of the word, no matter what laws are passed. 

The second issue is this: God created marriage.  God created sex.  God created sex for marriage.  When we take sex outside of the context of marriage, we consequently take the chance of creating a child outside of that relationship.  Even sperm donation/artificial insemination, which isn't sex, is the creation of a child outside of the marriage and it's wrong.  When did making babies without sex become right and normal?

So while I think that this particular gentleman's goal is to help people, it isn't biblically sound.

Movin' on...

Karen commented:

As far as I understand, Jesus was the first 'artifically conceived' child person in historial record. That did not make Joseph any less his dad nor did it change their love for each other. But it goes without saying that Jesus knew who his father was and had very meaningful relationship with him.

Yeah!  I realized this a day or two after I learned of my conception.  Jesus was not raised by a biological father, yet because Jesus was without sin, I know he honored Joseph and loved him dearly.  God's goal for His children is to make us more like Christ in how we think and act.  It was an encouragement to know that Jesus was in a similar situation (though with VAST differences) to me.

Next...

Yes, I am glad I'm alive.  Disliking how I got here has nothing to do with liking that I'm here now.

Yes, I love my Dad.  Looking for my biological father in no way negates my love for my dad.

Yes, I still call him Dad.  I'm pretty sure he wouldn't appreciate being called by his first name.

No, I will not write a thank you note to my parents for raising me simply because I was conceived via AI.  I didn't have anything to do with it.

No, I will not write them a thank you note just because my Dad loved me even though I'm not biologically his.  He and my mother made the decision together to have me so he's supposed to raise me and love me.  (It seems like there is a Chris Rock joke in there somewhere)  It's called being a dad. 

Instead, I tell them all the time that I love them.  I do my best to honor them in every way.  I've thanked them repeatedly over the years for taking care of me.  I thank them because I love them and it's my joy to thank them and to be thankful to God for them.

So this is turning out to be much longer than what I intended it to be and I'm not done yet.  Maybe one more post will finish it up.

Have You Read This Yet?

FamilyScholars.org just released a study called My Daddy's Name is Donor, found here, regarding donor conceived people.  I had hoped to read it all before I posted it here, but I'm only about 20 pages into it with little hope of finishing it in the next day or two.  So here it is...

A Year and a Day

I get tired of saying that learning I was conceived via sperm donor was the most shocking episode of my life, but it's true.  There is nothing like having the rug that your entire life was built upon pulled out from under you.  But it's been a year, as of yesterday, and I'm functioning, which is WAY more than I can say regarding my mental status this time last year. 

A year ago today, I was sitting on a church member's couch, trying to hid my tears and wondering why in the world I didn't have the sense to tell my husband I needed to stay home.  I think that I realized that life was going on and I figured I needed to go on with it, not knowing that shock really can be debilitating.  I was in a complete fog.  My husband had to tell me what to do throughout the day.  I just could not make myself function.  I hope that was the hardest part of all of this, because if it is, then it's over with.  I can't imagine it being that difficult in the future. 

A year later, I can say that God has been so gracious to sustain me.  I can see how this could have easily sent me off the deep end, never to return.  A friend asked me a while back what this has done for my faith.  It truly strengthened it.  It made me run to Christ even faster than usual for comfort. 

"...Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess.  For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet was without sin.  Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." (Hebrews 4.14-16)

I've had verses of Scripture that were especially comforting to me in various situations in my life, but I've not really identified a verse (or passage) that so well illustrates this year of dealing with my new (but old) reality.  But this passage would do it.  It sums it up well.

Today is my birthday

I found out about my conception almost two weeks after my 32nd birthday last year, so this is the first birthday I've experienced knowing the truth. 

Rather than being discouraged that this is just one more in a long line of birthdays spent without knowing my biological father, I'm rejoicing in the fact that the Lord has given me another year.  I'm so thankful for all of the wonderful gifts God has given me - a wonderful husband, five beautiful children, and a real Father who I never have to search for.  Thank You, Lord, for your goodness to me!!

Sufficiency

I finally mailed a three month old letter to a doctor whose picture I saw in a yearbook.  This particular man looks just like my oldest son (and both of my daughters!) and a lot like me.  It took three months to send that letter because I wasn't sure that I wanted to know for sure if he could be my biological father.  I mailed it and I prayed.  A little more than a week later, I got a response.  The answer was no, no way he could be my father. 

I have to admit that it was hard to read that.  I think because I spent three months debating and thinking and praying, it was harder than it had to be if I had just gotten up the courage to send it much sooner.  It was a hard thing to accept for three reasons: 1) he looked like a really nice gentleman from his current website picture (and his note to me only cemented that thought) and 2) it mean that I am starting back at square one, and this time, there are really no men who jump off the page at me.  It means having to revisit all those questions that were seemingly answered when there was a possibility of a match.  And third - it means that I still don't know my genetic father.

Did I not pray enough?  Did I not look diligently enough?  Did I do something to deserve this?  What do I need to do?

The apostle Paul was "caught up to paradise" where he heard "inexpressible things, things that man is not permitted to tell."  Then he says, "To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.  Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.  But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me..." (Found in 2 Cor. 12:4-10)

I haven't seen inexpressible things, and I'm not sure that I can say that being donor conceived is a messenger of Satan, however, like Paul, I am weak.  Like Paul, I've prayed for God to give me a conclusion to this.  I've prayed to discover who my father is.  I'm looking as diligently as I know how.  And I feel depressed when I look through pages of men and wonder how in the world I'll find him.  But through this all, I know the Lord's answer to Paul is His answer to me: His grace is sufficient for me, and His power is made perfect in my weakness.  So I will boast about my helplessness if it means that Christ's power may rest on me. 

I think that ultimately, this isn't about finding my father and then being satisfied.  I believe that it's about being satisfied in Christ, whether I ever find this man or not.  It's about hanging my hope on the eternal God, and not on a mortal man. 

I love this quote by John Calvin: “Whoever is not satisfied with Christ alone, strives after something beyond absolute perfection.”  I would add that when I am satisfied with anything less than Christ, I am too easily satisfied.

Just Talked With My Dad

My mom and dad make a surprise trip here today.  They were only here a couple of hours, but I had the opportunity to talk with my dad.  This was only the second time I've talked with him, and I thought in the beginning that I would NEVER get to talk with him about this situation.

Because of the Parkinson's and other health issues, it wasn't the conversation that I would have normally had, but it was still good all the same.  He was having a good day, mentally speaking, and was able to understand the things I told him and I got to ask a few questions, too.  I did ask him if he wanted me to keep him informed on whether I found "the med student" - I couldn't bring myself to say "my biological father" to my dad in the precarious mental state he is in.  He said he'd like to know if I find anything out.  I didn't mention that I have an idea of who he might be...no need to bring it up until I know something more concrete.

So thank you, Lord, for arranging the opportunity to talk with my dad!

Is The Use Of "Donor" Gametes Biblically Permissible?

Something I see pretty frequently when people ask the question online if it's ok for Christians (or anyone for that matter) to use a sperm donor to conceive a baby is a terribly inaccurate use of Scripture to support an affirmative answer.  "Go forth and multiply!" and "Children are a blessing from the Lord!" seem to be the standard fare as an answer.  Those two verses are taken completely out of context when given as a prescriptive answer in this situation.  Context is so important to knowing what a verse actually says and means.*

So I'm trying to figure it out - just where does God stand on this issue of introducing a third party into the one-flesh relationship of marriage?  My feeling is that it is not a "God sanctioned" way to create a child, however I know my feelings are no basis for truth since feelings change and truth does not, by it's very definition.  I do not feel that it is on the same level as adultry since there is no physical relationship involved in the use of a donor (at least in mainstream cases...I guess there's always the exception to the rule.)  But I just don't see God giving loopholes in marriage: ie., my spouse can't give me a child, so I'll get someone else to give me a child.  And doesn't it seem akward to know that a wife is having another man's baby?  Is God cool with that?

I am praying for wisdom.



*There is a story about the man who decided to seek guidance from God by opening the Bible at random and sticking a pin in the page, and trusting that the words where the pin stuck indicated God's will for him.

The pin landed in the latter part of Matthew 27:5, describing the actions of Judas Iscariot: "he went and hanged himself."

Not satisfied with the result, the man tried again, and this time the pin landed at the end of Luke 10:37: "You go, and do likewise."