A Year and a Day

I get tired of saying that learning I was conceived via sperm donor was the most shocking episode of my life, but it's true.  There is nothing like having the rug that your entire life was built upon pulled out from under you.  But it's been a year, as of yesterday, and I'm functioning, which is WAY more than I can say regarding my mental status this time last year. 

A year ago today, I was sitting on a church member's couch, trying to hid my tears and wondering why in the world I didn't have the sense to tell my husband I needed to stay home.  I think that I realized that life was going on and I figured I needed to go on with it, not knowing that shock really can be debilitating.  I was in a complete fog.  My husband had to tell me what to do throughout the day.  I just could not make myself function.  I hope that was the hardest part of all of this, because if it is, then it's over with.  I can't imagine it being that difficult in the future. 

A year later, I can say that God has been so gracious to sustain me.  I can see how this could have easily sent me off the deep end, never to return.  A friend asked me a while back what this has done for my faith.  It truly strengthened it.  It made me run to Christ even faster than usual for comfort. 

"...Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess.  For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet was without sin.  Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." (Hebrews 4.14-16)

I've had verses of Scripture that were especially comforting to me in various situations in my life, but I've not really identified a verse (or passage) that so well illustrates this year of dealing with my new (but old) reality.  But this passage would do it.  It sums it up well.

Today is my birthday

I found out about my conception almost two weeks after my 32nd birthday last year, so this is the first birthday I've experienced knowing the truth. 

Rather than being discouraged that this is just one more in a long line of birthdays spent without knowing my biological father, I'm rejoicing in the fact that the Lord has given me another year.  I'm so thankful for all of the wonderful gifts God has given me - a wonderful husband, five beautiful children, and a real Father who I never have to search for.  Thank You, Lord, for your goodness to me!!

Sufficiency

I finally mailed a three month old letter to a doctor whose picture I saw in a yearbook.  This particular man looks just like my oldest son (and both of my daughters!) and a lot like me.  It took three months to send that letter because I wasn't sure that I wanted to know for sure if he could be my biological father.  I mailed it and I prayed.  A little more than a week later, I got a response.  The answer was no, no way he could be my father. 

I have to admit that it was hard to read that.  I think because I spent three months debating and thinking and praying, it was harder than it had to be if I had just gotten up the courage to send it much sooner.  It was a hard thing to accept for three reasons: 1) he looked like a really nice gentleman from his current website picture (and his note to me only cemented that thought) and 2) it mean that I am starting back at square one, and this time, there are really no men who jump off the page at me.  It means having to revisit all those questions that were seemingly answered when there was a possibility of a match.  And third - it means that I still don't know my genetic father.

Did I not pray enough?  Did I not look diligently enough?  Did I do something to deserve this?  What do I need to do?

The apostle Paul was "caught up to paradise" where he heard "inexpressible things, things that man is not permitted to tell."  Then he says, "To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.  Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.  But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me..." (Found in 2 Cor. 12:4-10)

I haven't seen inexpressible things, and I'm not sure that I can say that being donor conceived is a messenger of Satan, however, like Paul, I am weak.  Like Paul, I've prayed for God to give me a conclusion to this.  I've prayed to discover who my father is.  I'm looking as diligently as I know how.  And I feel depressed when I look through pages of men and wonder how in the world I'll find him.  But through this all, I know the Lord's answer to Paul is His answer to me: His grace is sufficient for me, and His power is made perfect in my weakness.  So I will boast about my helplessness if it means that Christ's power may rest on me. 

I think that ultimately, this isn't about finding my father and then being satisfied.  I believe that it's about being satisfied in Christ, whether I ever find this man or not.  It's about hanging my hope on the eternal God, and not on a mortal man. 

I love this quote by John Calvin: “Whoever is not satisfied with Christ alone, strives after something beyond absolute perfection.”  I would add that when I am satisfied with anything less than Christ, I am too easily satisfied.

Just Talked With My Dad

My mom and dad make a surprise trip here today.  They were only here a couple of hours, but I had the opportunity to talk with my dad.  This was only the second time I've talked with him, and I thought in the beginning that I would NEVER get to talk with him about this situation.

Because of the Parkinson's and other health issues, it wasn't the conversation that I would have normally had, but it was still good all the same.  He was having a good day, mentally speaking, and was able to understand the things I told him and I got to ask a few questions, too.  I did ask him if he wanted me to keep him informed on whether I found "the med student" - I couldn't bring myself to say "my biological father" to my dad in the precarious mental state he is in.  He said he'd like to know if I find anything out.  I didn't mention that I have an idea of who he might be...no need to bring it up until I know something more concrete.

So thank you, Lord, for arranging the opportunity to talk with my dad!

Is The Use Of "Donor" Gametes Biblically Permissible?

Something I see pretty frequently when people ask the question online if it's ok for Christians (or anyone for that matter) to use a sperm donor to conceive a baby is a terribly inaccurate use of Scripture to support an affirmative answer.  "Go forth and multiply!" and "Children are a blessing from the Lord!" seem to be the standard fare as an answer.  Those two verses are taken completely out of context when given as a prescriptive answer in this situation.  Context is so important to knowing what a verse actually says and means.*

So I'm trying to figure it out - just where does God stand on this issue of introducing a third party into the one-flesh relationship of marriage?  My feeling is that it is not a "God sanctioned" way to create a child, however I know my feelings are no basis for truth since feelings change and truth does not, by it's very definition.  I do not feel that it is on the same level as adultry since there is no physical relationship involved in the use of a donor (at least in mainstream cases...I guess there's always the exception to the rule.)  But I just don't see God giving loopholes in marriage: ie., my spouse can't give me a child, so I'll get someone else to give me a child.  And doesn't it seem akward to know that a wife is having another man's baby?  Is God cool with that?

I am praying for wisdom.



*There is a story about the man who decided to seek guidance from God by opening the Bible at random and sticking a pin in the page, and trusting that the words where the pin stuck indicated God's will for him.

The pin landed in the latter part of Matthew 27:5, describing the actions of Judas Iscariot: "he went and hanged himself."

Not satisfied with the result, the man tried again, and this time the pin landed at the end of Luke 10:37: "You go, and do likewise."

Thank you

I am so thankful to the Lord for the encouragement that I've received over the last couple of days from several of you.  It has really lightened my heart to know that I am not alone in this situation and that there are others who know what I'm feeling.  I am humbled that you would take time to encourage me in this crazy struggle. 

And a huge, heartfelt thank you to my sweet new friend who has encouraged me over the last several months. You've been so open and honest with your situation and I'm so glad that I've gotten to know you.

This is exhausting

Within a few minutes of hearing about my conception using artificial insemination, I had figured out that this was going to be something in the forefront of my mind for quite a while.  Of course, in the "early days" it was so much in my thoughts that it crowded out other thoughts.  Now, almost 9 months later, it's still there at the beginning and end of each day and everywhere in between. 

Yes, life is 'normal' again - I go through each day without sitting at my computer for several hours at a time, but its still there in my thoughts and frankly, I'm just tired.  I'm tired of escaping it for a little while, only to remember again and feel the shock of it all over again.  I'm tired of having memories of my childhood pop into my mind, only to look at them from a different angle now.  I'm tired of keeping secrets.  I'm tired of wondering if I'll ever find my biological father and if I do, is he going to reject me simply because I exist?  If he doesn't reject me from the beginning, will he reject me because I'm a Christian?

I feel completely drained, and its in all areas of life.  And as I reread that last sentence, I'm reminded of Matthew 11.28 where Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."  I would not be able to cope with this if it weren't for the Lord.  I am just too easily broken to be able to carry such a load on my own.  So I guess I just told myself what the answer is: I'm tired because I'm trying to carry it on my own.