New news

I mentioned a couple of posts ago that I now have a yearbook that I've been looking through.  I found a couple of men who were possibilities, but one in particular stands out. 

Since seeing this one particular picture, and just how much I think I look like him, its been pretty emotional for me.  I think that I've exchanged one frustration (not knowing) for another frustration (could it be him? and what do I do now?). 

I want to contact this man, yet I know that I've got to wait and just process all of this.  But I'm not sure if I should contact him or not.  At this moment, I can look at the picture and assume that he is probably my bio-father, and maybe be satisfied for a while.  It isn't definite, it isn't a bullet-proof theory, but it is somewhat satisfactory. 

If I contact him, though, I open myself up to varying degrees of rejection, and then I'm back at square one.  But on the other hand, maybe he would want to hear from me.  There is a world of possibilities.  And frankly, having a half-baked lead is better than a complete rejection.  But complete rejection is still better than wondering what might have been.

So between the emotional roller coaster and not knowing whether I should contact him or not, I've been doing a lot of praying.  Maybe "praying" isn't the right word.  This is more like one of my little children who cries to be held when they don't feel good.  I'm sitting in the floor, crying, with my arms outstretched, waiting for God to pick me up.  And He does, and its so good to know that He is ordering each step, even when I'm unsure about which step to take.

Forgiveness part 3

There is a place for anger toward unrighteousness.  As a matter of fact, unrighteousness should cause those who love righteousness to become angry because unrighteousness tramples underfoot what is right and good. 

I am so thankful to God for those men and women who are working, whether through the court system to change laws, or through society by making others aware of the situation of donor conceived people, so that younger generations don't have to know the pain of missing biological connections.   Many people have taken their anger and hurt and made it constructive.  This is defending the helpless, and it is a good thing to do.

This also brings me to the point of this blog - anger and what should be done with it.  Missing out on knowing a biological parent isn't a small hurt.  It's a big, gaping wound, and platitudes or harsh words don't make it better.  There is real hurt and anger that must be dealt with, or it can eat us alive, like the most aggressive form of cancer you can imagine. 

If our anger is only used as fuel to change laws and attitudes, there is no lasting change.  Look beyond the here and now and think about eternity.  If it were possible to make it so that no child wondered who his father was, it would be a good thing, but in the great scheme of things, it doesn't make a hill of beans difference. 

How sad it would be if we all knew our biological fathers, yet never get to know our real Father.  If our anger for unrighteousness only drives us to fix the temporary, but never leads us to search for the eternal, we are short-sighted.  I started this blog because I know there are people like me who hurt more than I do because they don't have the comfort that I have.  I know my real Father.  I want you to know Him, too.

And now for the news...

I have some big news!  I received a book last week.  It's a yearbook of sorts, and it has pictures of the graduates who would have been on campus at the time I was conceived.  I am so excited to have this book in my hands, because I can now look at the faces and see the names.  The Lord provided a way for me to get this book, both financially, and through an alum of the university.  My prayer for this new year is that God would be honored through my search and that He would lead me to answers.  And if not the answers I am looking for, then peace to guard me from anxiety.

And I will have the last part of "Forgiveness" coming soon.  We've been out of town twice since the year started, and we are trying to get back into life.

Forgiveness part 2

Forgiveness is a hard thing to write about.  I have no degree and I'm no theologian.  But I need forgiveness, I've received forgiveness, and I've given forgiveness.  So I know a little bit about it. 

It involves so many emotions and decisions that we may not want to deal with.  Forgiveness means recognizing that we have been wronged, yet letting go of the anger so that we no longer feel bitterness toward the person/people who wronged us.  It means that we can no longer complain about it, and frankly, we often get comfort from our pity parties, so forgiving means that we no longer wallow in the junk that feeds our anger.

So instead of giving a whole systematic thesis on anger and forgiveness, I'm going to keep this personal.

For it to make sense to you why I feel the way I do, I'm going to have to tell you some other things about me that you may or may not have picked up if you've read much of this blog.  Stay with me, here...I promise this is going to make sense!

I am a Christian and I believe that the Bible is God's Word, that is, it is what God Himself has said to us.    The one true God who is portrayed in Genesis through Revelation is perfect and holy and completely sovereign over His creation.  And all of us, from our first parents, Adam and Eve, to the tiniest embryos are sinners by nature and choice.  We all rebel against God, whether we do it consciously or not.  We hate God, and everything He is.  We curse Him with every breath we take. 

When we do a job, we are paid for our labor.  The same principle is true regarding sin; when we sin, we earn our punishment.  We don't all sin the same.  Hitler is the poster boy for the horrendous sinner.  We are not all Hitlers.  We aren't as bad as we could be, but we are bad enough to deserve hell. 

So when God changes our natures, He picks us up out of the sin and death that we love, and He takes out our heart of stone and gives us a heart of flesh.  A heart that beats FOR Him now instead of against Him.  He forgives us for our offenses against Him.  He is under no obligation to forgive us and He owes us nothing but punishment.  It is only because of His mercy that He gives us the gift of life.  Jesus lived a perfect life and died on the cross as a propitiation for our sin - He satisfied the Father's wrath on our behalf.  He took the curse of sin on Himself so that we didn't have to bear the punishment.  And what's more, not only did He take away the punishment for those who believe, but He gave us Himself as our reward.  If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive our sin and to purify us from all unrighteousness.

In the book of Matthew (18.21-35), one of Jesus's followers, Peter, comes to Him and asks this question, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me?  Up to seven times?"  Here is how Matthew puts it:

Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven. Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants.  When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents.  And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made.  So the servant fell on his knees, imploring him, 'Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.'  And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt. 

But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii, and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, 'Pay what you owe.'  So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, 'Have patience with me, and I will pay you.'  He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt. 

When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place.  Then his master summoned him and said to him, 'You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me.  And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?' 

And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt.  So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart."

I am the first servant - I had a huge debt of sin hanging over my head.  The Lord forgave me and took away that huge burden.  If I refuse to forgive my parents, it tells the world that I haven't been forgiven of anything myself.  How can I be forgiven for my sin against God, yet refuse to forgive something against me?   I forgive because I've been forgiven, and not just my parents, but the doctor who set this whole thing up. 

Honestly, Dr. Aiman is the one with whom forgiveness isn't coming as easily.  And the problem isn't that he started the problem, but that he refuses to return my phone calls.  There is nothing like forgiving someone who refuses to acknowledge they've done anything wrong!

And therein lies the rub when you look at the big picture.  There are so many of us who refuse to acknowlege that we ourselves have sinned.  We are told to repent, to turn away from our sin, yet we continue in it as if our disobedience isn't a reality.  That's what makes forgiveness from God so incredible - He gives us the ability to repent and ask forgiveness, even when we don't deserve it.  The apostle Paul puts it this way - we all lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and mind, and were by nature children of wrath, but God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he love us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive with Christ - it is by grace we have been saved, through faith, though even this faith is not our own doing, but it is the gift of God so that no one can boast.

Because I love my mom and dad, and I know that they love me, and because I had such a good childhood, and mostly because I've been forgiven myself, it's been easy to forgive them.  I have no bitterness toward them.  And because I know that God is working all things for the good of those who love Him, I cannot be angry at Him for doing this.  I know Him well enough to know that there is a purpose to this, and I just need to sit back and see what happens.

All that said, there is a place for righteous anger in this.  I'll talk about that in my next post. 

And I hope to have an update on my search to report very soon!

Forgiveness

It's been quite a while since I've posted here...but not because I didn't want to.  December is always a busy month for us, though I'm not sure why.  I guess all the extra shopping and planning.  All of the children have been/are sick and for the first time since I was a teenager, I've got strep throat.  I've been doing as little as possible for the last two days, and I could use two more days in bed or on the couch, but that isn't going to happen!

So I've been thinking about anger and forgiveness lately.  I really want to blog about it, but I'm not sure where to start.  I think it's safe to say that many of us don't forgive very easily, whether it's the car that cuts you off while driving or the whole donor conceived situation.  And it doesn't matter how big or small the situation is - anger can really mess us up mentally, emotionally, and even physically.  As the mother of five, I'm well acquainted with the small things that cause anger.  I have to forgive on a daily basis, and I'm usually asking for forgiveness on a regular basis as well. 

I assume that most of you who are reading this blog are connected in some way with artificial insemination.  (I'm dealing specifically with the negative side of AI - but I'm not unaware that many of us have non-biological fathers who adore their children as much as any biological father could.)  For many adult children who were conceived this way, there is a lot of anger regarding this route to pregnancy, and in my mind, there are clear reasons why there is so much anger.  A biological parent has sold away the gametes that make up half of a new life.  There are the parents who didn't tell the child how they were conceived and so kept vital information from them.  And then there is the medical community, who has banded together to keep said vital information forever locked away, or worse, destroyed.  The brick walls are erected before the child is even conceived.

I felt like I was thrown into a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from.  It was like one of those huge garden mazes where you can't see over the walls and every turn you take is a dead end.  And there is no handy map to show you how to get out.  Anger is a pretty natural response in a situation like that.  Not everyone will respond in anger, but I think it's legitimate.

Even with a legitimate anger, is there a place for forgiveness?  Is there a need for it?  I believe that the answer to both questions is yes. 

In the next post, I will try to articulate some of the things that I've been thinking about regarding forgiveness.

Thanksgiving

We spent Thanksgiving at my parent's home.  All of my parents' brothers and sisters were there, along with a few of my cousins.  Some of them I haven't seen in quite a while.  It was good to see everyone again.  It was also the first time that I've seen everyone since, well, you know.  It saddened me to know that I am not related genetically to half of my family. 

I did get to talk with my dad, briefly, about my conception.  I asked him if we could talk more when I see him again.  I'm glad it's out in the open now.

Seeing all of my family really stirred up a desire to know all of my family.  I wondered how my biological father spends his holidays.  I know that this time of year is difficult for people who have lost loved ones to death or who are just far away from them.  Now I'm getting a taste of it from experience. 

I feel very unsettled after this trip.  It's easy for me to wallow in the seeming hopelessness of it all.  Some moments over the last few days, I had to tell myself to keep breathing.  I keep reminding myself in those times when I just want to cry that I must cast my burden on the Lord, because he cares for me.  It doesn't mean that I can't cry, or be sad, or pray that somehow the Lord would allow me to know who he is.

It does mean, as Tim Tebow reminded football fans yesterday, that I must fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of my faith, and throw off the sin that so easily entangles me.

About The Hymn

I want to explain a little bit about why I posted Light Shining Out of Darkness by William Cowper.  I first heard this hymn sung as a modern song by Jeremy Riddle - incredibly done, by the way.  This stanza really scared me and comforted me at the same time:

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take,
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy, and shall break
In blessings on your head.

It scared me because I've had a few clouds break on my head over the last few years.  We've all gone through difficult circumstances.  I hate clouds! 

It encouraged me because it reminded me that those things that we fear most are often the things that either drive us further away from God or closer to Him.  I need to take courage when I see the clouds forming, because while it may rain (or pour), those clouds aren't going to do anything God hasn't sent them to do.

To me, this is the most powerful part of the hymn:

Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.
His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding ev'ry hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flow'r.

It would be really easy to ask why God has allowed me to be conceived by a father who is not present in my life.  It seems like such a burden to carry, this not knowing.  But I think that line of questioning is the wrong line of questioning.  I don't think that God allowed it in the sense that he let them (my parents and the doctor and my biological father) create me in this fashion.  I think that Scripture shows us a God who is so involved with His creation that it was not permission that was granted, but rather it was part of God's plan - what He ordained. 

Are you familiar with Joseph whose life is included in the book of Genesis?  Joseph was hated by his ten older brothers because of their father's favoritism toward Joseph.  They hated him so much that they threw him into a pit and then pulled him back out of the pit only to sell him into slavery instead.  He was taken far away from his family and home as a slave in Egypt.  The ten brothers told their father that Joseph had been torn apart by a wild animal.  Long story short, in several years' time, Joseph went from being a slave, to a prisoner, to being second in command of Egypt. 

A famine spread across the land, but Egypt had a storehouse of food.  People from all over the area went to purchase food from Pharoah.  Joseph's ten brothers came before Joseph to buy food, not recognizing him as their brother.  After a long, drawn out process, Joseph, who still hadn't yet revealed his identity, determined that his brothers had repented from the evil that they had done to him and so he could not keep his identity secret any longer.  This is part of what he said to them:

"Now do not be grieved or angry with yourselves, because you sold me here, for God sent me before you to preserve life.  For the famine has been in the land these two years, and there are still five years in which there will be neither plowing nor harvesting.  God sent me before you to preserve for you a remnant in the earth, and to keep you alive by a great deliverance.  Now, therefore, it was not you who sent me here, but God..." (Genesis 45.5-8a)

The brothers did, indeed, sell Joseph into slavery.  But God ordained it to happen.  Joseph, the one who endured slavery, defamation of his character, prison life, separation from his family...he recognized that God sent him to Egypt through his brothers.

Toward the end of the narrative, Joseph says this to his brothers: "As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive."  Joseph may have wondered why exactly his life was unfolding in this manner, but he could see God's providence, even in prison.
 
Jonathan Edwards (1703-1758), a pastor and one of America's greatest thinkers, said this about the sovereignty of God: "There has been a wonderful alteration in my mind, in respect to the doctrine of God's sovereignty.... The doctrine has very often appeared exceeding pleasant, bright and sweet.  Absolute sovereignty is what I love to ascribe to God."

Knowing the true circumstances of my conception has made me love the Lord all the more, because I can see Him working in my life.  Even in the darkest days, I knew that nothing I was going through was by chance or accident.  I don't know all of the whys, but I'm really ok with that. 

Even if you don't like what is going on in your life, God has His purpose for it.  Will you fight Him or trust Him?