My Father's Daughter

More Anonymous Father's Day Information

2011-11-21T18:44:00.001-06:00

Please check out these links and tell your friends!
https://prescreen.com/movie/Anonymous-Fathers-Day (TODAY -Monday 11/21- ONLY, you can spend $4 to watch AFD streaming online for the next 59 days; after today, the price will be $8)

https://www.facebook.com/?ref=tn_tnmn#!/AnonFathersDay This is the AFD facebook page.

http://www.anonymousfathersday.com/ This is the official homepage for AFD

http://twitter.com/#!/AnonFathersDay on Twitter

Official Anonymous Father's Day Trailer!

2011-11-16T16:04:00.002-06:00

This is the official trailer for the new film that I am privileged to be part of! I'm the first chick in blue.

Timing is Everything

2011-11-02T12:05:00.002-05:00

Karen posted a link here to go to Anderson Cooper’s clip about babies being sold to the highest bidder. I watched that video this morning, and wondered about the outrage that these people in the clip showed.

I didn’t wonder about their outrage because I thought they were over-reacting.

I wondered about it because when you get down to it, there’s only one thing that differentiates this situation from a typical surrogacy situation – the time line.

In a typical situation, the intended parents pick out the egg, pick out the sperm, and pick out the woman who will carry the baby, then the woman gets pregnant, has the baby, and everyone is happy.

In this case, the intended parents come in at the end.

So it’s a matter of timing.

I do think that this is a terrible situation, but aside from the fact that this is illegal while it’s perfectly legal to rearrange the order of events, why are people getting their panties in a wad? If any of them thought this through logically, they would see that their anger and disgust should be directed at the entire industry that profits from the commodification of people, no matter when the intended parents come into the picture.

Come on, people, don’t let a timeline dictate how you see what is right and wrong!

Originally posted here: http://familyscholars.org/2011/10/25/timing-is-everything/

Anonymous Father's Day

2011-07-18T14:38:00.001-05:00

Last Friday, I was interviewed for Jennifer Lahl's new film, Anonymous Father's Day. This was my first time being filmed, unless you count Christmas mornings, and I was very honored to take part in this project. You can see a video preview here:

http://donorchild.blogspot.com/2011/06/teaser-of-jennifer-lahls-new-film.html

A Teaser of Jennifer Lahl's New Film

2011-06-17T23:53:00.004-05:00

UPDATE: Please click here to see the "official" trailer of Anonymous Father's Day!

State Medical Licensing

2011-06-03T00:27:00.000-05:00

Here's a great resources for donor conceived people to find their biological fathers IF their father was a med student or resident. This is a list of state medical boards, where you can purchase databanks of every doctor who was licensed in a particular state. I have not gone through every state to see what is offered, but I know that a sortable database is offered for purchase for the state of Texas.

Getting closer!!

The Scandel of Bioethics

2011-05-27T15:18:00.001-05:00

I am so excited to share the news that Elizabeth Marquardt and I will be speaking at The Scandal of Bioethics: Reclaiming Christian Influence in Technology, Science, & Medicine, a bioethics conference in Chicago in July. I am looking forward to this incredible opportunity!

Update:

The conference went really well, and we were well received. I truly enjoyed taking part in presenting our paper, even though I was very nervous!

Dear Atlanta

2011-04-16T20:14:00.000-05:00

One of the great things about the feedjit thing-a-mabob at the bottom of this blog is that I can see how people get to my blog. Often times, I laugh at the keywords that bring people here, because this is NOT what they are looking for. On occasion, I'm shocked at what people are searching for, and I'm glad that they landed here, because they need a little sunshine in their dark search.

Sometimes I can see that people hit my blog because it might be exactly what they need. And then I pray for them.

So "Atlanta", just in case you hit my page one more time, know that I'm praying for you.

Family Finder

2011-03-15T16:59:00.000-05:00

I mentioned a while back that I have done a couple of DNA tests. The first was with my mother; in the future, if I am able to have a test with someone (siblingship test or paternity test) it seems to be helpful to have the mother's DNA, if possible.

The second one I did is called Family Finder. Family Tree DNA does this test (and other DNA tests) and takes the results and enters them into their data bank to check against other participants. I am still learning about this site and what all it offers, but I've gotta tell you that I'm really impressed with it. I've gotten 160+ matches and the list is growing. I haven't found anyone closer than a 3rd cousin yet, but I'm very hopeful.

Throughout this crazy journey of being donor conceived, God has sent several people to help me with whatever it was that I needed at the time; emotional support, a direction to look, ideas on looking, financial gifts to pay for DNA tests, etc. The people that I've met have been wonderful folks that I wouldn't have known otherwise. I'm thankful to God for sending these people into my life.

The latest person is a man named Brian, whose father has shown up on my list of relatives as a distant cousin. Brian was able to read the proverbial writing on the Family Finder wall for me; my biological father is Jewish. I was both surprised and thrilled with this knowledge.

It feels so good to know something about this man who helped create me, but it is also wonderful to know this about myself; I have a history. I have a people. I was not raised Jewish, but I guess you could say that it's in my blood.

Brian also did a little digging for me about my mother's family, too, and I was surprised to find out interesting things about that line.

Even though this isn't a commerical for FTDNA, it's going to sound like it...if you are interested in genealogy, do this Family Finder test. If you want to find your biological family, this is a good place to start. If you just want to find people you share ancestors with, do this. I can't recommend it enough, and I don't even fully know everything that this site does yet! There are all kinds of cool tools that can be used to reconstruct a family tree.

So to Brian who helped me more than he knows, and to the one who made it possible for me to take this test, thank you.

A Brief History of AI

2011-02-17T14:48:00.002-06:00

(This can be found at FamilyScholars)

The following two articles come from Bill Cordray, who is a donor conceived adult in the U.S. who has spoken and written about donor insemination issues for years. He posted this letter some months back to the PCVAI (people conceived via artificial insemination) yahoo group, which can be found here. The first article is from The Medical World, and the second article is an excerpt from a paper that Bill wrote for a class in Reproductive Issues in the Philosophy Department at the University of Utah. I am posting these two articles here, with Bill’s permission.

I thought it was important to post this letter in its entirety.
The Medical World, April 1909 pp. 163-164: Letter to the Editor
Artificial Impregnation

Editor Medical World:

It has been twenty-five years since Professor Pancoast performed the first artificial impregnation of a woman, in the Sansom Street hospital of Jefferson Medical College, in Philadelphia. At that time the procedure was so novel, so peculiar in its human ethics, that the six young men of the senior class who witnest [witnessed?] the operation were pledged to absolute secrecy. The circumstances of the case were about as follows:

A wealthy merchant of Philadelphia consulted Professor Pancoast to learn why his home was childless. The man was forty-one years of age, of sound body as far as he knew, had a good family history, and had never suffered from any serious illness in his life, barring a slight attack of gonorrhea in his youth, while sowing the proverbial "wild oats."

His wife was ten years his junior, a perfect picture of health, and a product one of the old Quaker families of wealth and distinction in Quakerville.

An appointment was made with the both for an examination at the Sansom Street hospital, and a section of the senior class, of which I was one, was called upon to assist the Professor. The supposition on the part of the Professor was that the woman was unable to conceive because of some impediment which possibly might be removed. Therefore, she was examined first. The examination was very complete, almost as perfect as an army examination, but not the slightest abnormal condition was discovered. As a matter of possible public interest, I will say that during this examination was discovered for the first time, as far as I know, the suction function of the uterus, which takes place during orgasm.

The man was then examined; and while no physical defect was discoverable, the spermatic fluid was shown by the microscopic examination to be absolutely void of spermatozoons. This, of course, cleared up the situation at once, and the man was informed that the fault was his, and probably due to results of the gonorrhea in his youth. Professor Pancoast at that time considered the trouble as easily remedied, and began a course of treatment which he thought proper.

But after two months' careful attention, the man showed no change whatever, and the Professor then concluded that the primary seminal ducts were occluded by the former inflammation extending upward from the urethra. A joking remark by one the class, "the only solution of this problem is to call in the hired man," was the probable incentive to the plan of action which followed. The woman was chloroformed, and with a hard rubber syringe some fresh semen from the best-looking member of the class was deposited in the uterus, and the cervix slightly plugged with gauze. Neither the man nor the woman knew the nature of what had been done at the time, but subsequently the Professor repented of his action, and explained the whole matter to the husband. Strange as it may seem, the man was delighted with the idea, and conspired with the Professor in keeping from the lady the actual way by which her impregnation was brought about. In due course of time the lady gave birth to a son, and he had characteristics features, not of the senior student, but of the willing but impossible father.

That boy is now a business man of the city of New York, and I have shaken his hands with him within the past year.

Since then there has been formed an association for the purpose of producing artificial impregnation of women who may for any reason give a written consent to such a proceeding. From a nature point of view the idea of artificial impregnation offers valuable advantages. The mating of human beings must, from the nature of things, be a matter of sentiment alone. Persons of the worst possible promise of good and healthy offspring are being lawfully united in marriage everyday. Marriage is a proposition which is not submitted to good judgment or even common sense, as a rule. No Burbank methods are possible, even tho they be ideal. Artificial impregnation by carefully selected seed, alone will solve the problem. It may at first shock the delicate sensibilities of the sentimental who consider that the source of the seed indicates the true father, but when the scientific fact becomes known that the origin of the spermatozoa which generates the ovum is of no more importance that the personality of the finger which pulls the trigger of a gun, then objections will lose their forcefulness, and artificial impregnation become recognized as a race-uplifting procedure.

It is gradually becoming well established that the mother is the complete builder of the child. It is her blood that gives it material for its body, and her nerve energy which is divided to supply its vital force. It is her mental ideals which go to influence, to some extent at least, the features, the tendencies, and the mental caliber of the child. "Many a man rocks another man's child and thinks he is rocking his own," for it looks like him. And often two children by the same parents have feature entirely dissimilar. It is the predominating mental ideals prevailing with the mother that shapes the destiny of the child. The man who thrusts his nose into a beautiful blossom to surfeit his sense of smell on the sweet perfume is merely breathing the lustful odor from the sexual organ of the plant; and if his nose displaces some of the pollen, he may be the father of the next flower. If a honey bee does the work, it might be called the father.

A scientific study of sex selection, without regard to marriage conditions, might result in giving some men children of wonderful endowments, in place of half-witted, evil-inclined, disease-disposed offspring which they are ashamed to call their own. The mechanical method of impregnation, whether it be the orthodox way, or the aseptic surgeon's skillful fingers, counts but little, except sentiment, and sentiment is fast becoming a servant instead of a master in the affairs of the human race. Few are the children that are brought intentionally into this world. As a rule they are but the incidental result of a journey in search of selfish pleasure. They are seldom sought, and often unwelcome when they pout in their first appearance. The subsequent mother's love is largely a matter of growth, for affection is but an attribute of selfishness.

The man who may think this idea shocking probably has millions of gonococci swarming in his seminal ducts, and probably his wife has had a laparotomy which nearly cost her life itself, as a result of his infecting her with the crop reaped from his last planting of "wild oats." One man in every five in New York City was found to be free from the contamination of venereal disease to an extant that rendered him safe ["unsafe?"] around the house in which a woman lived.

Go ask the blind children whose eyes were saturated with the gonorrheal pus as they struggled thru the birth canal to merge into this world of darkness to endure a living death; ask them what is the not shocking thing in this whole world. Ask Helen Keller what is the most shocking thing in this sin-soaked ball of selfish pursuits. They will tell you it is the idea that man, wonderful man, is infecting 80 percent of all womankind with the satanic germs collected by him as his youthful steps wandered in the "bad lands." A. D. Hard, M.D., Marshall, Minn. [I think his first name is Addison]

******************************************************
Bio of Professor Pancoast:
His son, William Henry, surgeon, born in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, 16 October, 1835, was graduated at the Jefferson medical college in 1856, studied for three years in London, Paris, and Vienna, and on his return established himself in practice in Philadelphia, and acquired a high reputation as a bold, rapid, and skilful operative surgeon, conservative in treatment and seldom mistaken in diagnosis. During the civil war he served as a surgeon in the army. In 1874 he succeeded his father as professor in Jefferson medical college. In 1884 he secured the bodies of the Siamese twins, and proved that the band could not have been safely cut except in their childhood. He became professor of the Philadelphia medico-chirurgical college in 1886.

Bill’s paper:

Why did anonymous fathers become an inherent ingredient in donor insemination, the oldest form of assisted reproductive technology? From the start, at least as far as we can tell from the first purported use of donor insemination in 1884 by Dr. William Pancoast (The Medical World, April 1909 pp. 163-164: Letter to the Editor), it appears that one of his unknown medical students, jokingly called the “Hired Hand,” was used in order to deceive the wife about the process and to encourage her to believe that her husband was the father. There was no informed consent and the husband was told only after the wife became pregnant. Professor Pancoast then set up an “association for the purpose of producing artificial impregnation of women who may for any reason give a written consent to such a proceeding.” [ibid. Medical World]. It is implied that the business of donor insemination then began and followed informed consent but nothing is said about anonymity. The inference from this article is that the “impregnator” is not significant since the mother is the “is the complete builder of the child.” The writer then goes on to add that “the origin of the spermatozoa,,, is of no more importance that the personality of the finger which pulls the trigger of a gun… (and therefore)… artificial impregnation [should] become recognized as a race-uplifting procedure.” [Cite Medical World]. From the attitude of the letter writer it seems clear that he advocates the use of artificial insemination using “carefully selected seed.” In other words, this first use of DI is touted as a way for society to become the “master in the affairs of the human race.” As reported in an article called “The Impregnators” in “Fertility and Sterility” (A. T. Gregoire, PhD and Robert C. Mayer, MD; F&S vol.16, no. 6, 1965, p. 130 - 134) the 1909 letter caused a debate between those who felt DI violated the laws of God, “ridiculously criminal,” “neither honest nor moral,” to those who support the eugenic idea that artificial impregnation “could improve the genetic stock of America.” The moral criticisms of the act were dismissed “since the question of morals belonged in the theological journal, not a scientific publication.” “Doctors have enough of the laws of God when they are young…” and “without disrespect to Nature and Nature’s God, they (doctors) modify creation and improve it with intelligence.” After this brief uproar the practice went underground so that we know very little about the early years of donor insemination. Discussion of artificial reproduction appeared in various journals and lectures as early as 1910 (Hermann Muller) and even in literature such as Buck Mulligan’s proposal for a “fertilising farm to be named Omphalos with an obelisk” erected (phallic pun intended by Joyce) in the “Oxen of the Sun” episode of Ulysses (1922; 14: lines 651 to 737) as well as in Huxley’s Brave New World (1932). Actual mention of DI as a current practice is rarely mentioned, although we can’t assume that it didn’t continue. If it was practiced, then it survived under a cloak of secrecy reinforced with instructions to recipients to refrain from telling their children.

Excerpts from various early guides for fertility often stress that the identity of the donors must obviously remain anonymous. For example, W. J. Finegold wrote (Artificial Insemination; Springfield Illinois, Charles C. Thomas; 1964) that “the donors should be veiled in absolute obscurity.” M. Glezerman (‘Two hundred and seventy cases of artificial donor insemination,’ Fertility and Sterility 1981:35:180-7) wrote “the donor semen should be regarded as ‘material from an anonymous testis’” and that the genetic father is actually a “non-person.” Although 1982 marked the first break from anonymous donors through The Sperm Bank of California, a nonprofit feminist clinic, Sherman Silber (How To Get Pregnant; Little, Brown and Company; 2005, p. 415) wrote that “the majority of physicians still oppose identity release donors, with the (unsubstantiated) claim that the vast majority of couples prefer anonymous sperm.”

Yes, I'm still alive

2011-02-12T22:51:00.000-06:00

There's not much going on lately in regards to my search for my genetic father. I've taken a DNA test with my mom and I've also done a second test. I'll talk about that more in the future, once I get all the results back.

It's been quite a while since I've posted anything at FamilyScholars.org. I have three articles that I'm working on. I'm frustrated with myself for not getting things done in a timely manner, yet I can't just slap it on there without making sure that I'm saying everything exactly the way that I want it said. I'm not good at juggling things, and being a wife and mother consumes most of my time and energy. But my brain is contantly thinking. Though if you knew me, it might surprise you to know that!

Update and Another FS Post

2010-11-14T08:11:00.001-06:00

I'm still searching for my bio-father. It's slow and I feel like I've hit another brick wall. There are avenues that I can pursue to find more information, but one way seems like a cliff and the other way seems like a forest fire. So which way do I go? Both ways seem pointless. But I guess I'll chose one, then the other. When I can get my game face on again.

*********

I've posted again at FamilyScholars.org and I'm reposting it here. Be sure to read the comments here.

Can I make a faith-based argument about donor conception in public?

The short answer is yes.

Over the last several decades, our country and the makeup of our culture have slowly begun to embrace a pluralistic worldview when it comes to life and the pursuit of happiness. A plethora of worldviews are gaining influence and strength within the public square. Unfortunately, those who profess a strong conviction for tolerance of all kinds of people and ideas are actually becoming more and more intolerant of the segment of our nation that happens to view life and happiness from a ‘religious’ perspective. From their view point, it seems that to engage in public debate, one does not need to bring up their ‘religion’ because ‘religion’ isn’t relevant or valid to today’s complicated social issues.

So to argue that one should not acknowledge their religion in public debate is to say that every point of view is valid except a religious POV. Why? Simply because someone doesn’t acknowledge the validity of a religious view over them doesn’t make the argument invalid.

The long answer goes something like this: every time anyone argues a position on a given topic, it’s always a “faith-based” answer. Your faith may not be the same faith as an organized religion; however everyone has some type of faith, including atheists. An atheist has faith in his or her assessment that there is no God. Basically faith is trust, so they are trusting in their own judgment/intellect/experience that what they believe is right. So there is trust, even if the person is claiming to have no faith in any deity.

How do you interpret the world around you? How do you determine what is right and what is wrong? Where do your ethics come from? How do your ethics influence what you believe about a particular subject? What is your worldview? Do you have faith that your perception of the world is correct?

As a Christian, I believe Scripture, when it says that God created the heavens and the earth. He determines what is right and wrong because of His character; He is always “right” and whatever is not right is sin; treason against God. So my sense of right and wrong and my ethics come from who God is. My view of who God is influences my POV on a given subject.

If a person puts their faith/trust/belief in secularism or atheism or humanism, etc., then I think it’s fair to say that everyone has some kind of “faith” so therefore every argument is a “faith-based” argument. Whether they may recognize it or not.

Misconceived: Misconceptions About Donor Conception

2010-09-21T23:29:00.003-05:00

I posted this on FamilyScholars.org the other day. Thought I'd put it here, too. There were several good comments if you want to jump over there and read them.

***********

After finding out that my parents used a sperm donor to conceive me, the first place I went to on the Internet to find support was a bulletin board of moms that I frequented. It didn’t occur to me to use Google to find other donor conceived people. I just went to the sites I always went to. I posted a message asking if anyone was conceived with a sperm donor.

My very first reply was from a lady whose sister had used a sperm donor, and the little girl was about 3. This lady told me that I needed to write my parents a thank you note for raising me. She was very hostile and rude about it.

I don’t think I was mad about it so much as I was hurt. I needed someone to throw me a lifeline to pull me out of the depth of despair that was taking over my life, and she threw me a ton of bricks to sink me even deeper.

Since then, I’ve had a few responses that I assume were not well thought-out before they came out of the person’s mouth. I’ve been told that sperm donation is like giving blood, and that it’s like adoption. A couple of people have asked if I still think of my (social) dad as Dad.

So I’d like to clear up a few* misconceived ideas about donor conception. Please note that feelings about donor conception vary greatly from person to person. Sometimes, feelings vary greatly within just one person; they may be fine with it one day, and angry about it the next day.

I enlisted the help of several donor conceived people who contributed some of the misconceptions that they’ve heard from people. My thanks to you.

Misconception #1: “My Daddy’s Name is Donor.” The term “donor conceived” is actually an inaccurate term for most of us. Our fathers (or mothers in the case of egg donations) never “donated” gametes, but were paid for their services. A donation is what is given out of the generosity of heart, but money exchanged for goods is called a transaction. “Transaction conceived” doesn’t really have a nice ring to it, though, does it?

Misconception #2: The donor is not a parent. Once I got over the initial shock of this new reality, I realized that there is a man out there who is my biological father. Not just a “nice man” who helped create me, but an actual father; a man with whom I have a real substantial connection. Please realize that donors are not like McDonald’s where you can go and pick up a Dr. Pepper. I can buy a Dr. Pepper from McDonald’s close to home or three states away and it will be pretty much the same. I can even go to Wendy’s and get the exact same Dr. Pepper as McDonald’s.

A man and his sperm are not like a restaurant and its soft drinks. No man is exactly like another man, and his sperm is not exactly the same as another man’s sperm. The DNA that my father contributed to my creation cannot be duplicated by anyone else (unless he has an identical twin). My father’s sperm is uniquely his. I, Stephanie, exist because his sperm containing his unique DNA fertilized my mother’s egg with her unique DNA. He helped create me. He isn’t my Dad, but he is my father.

Misconception #3: Agreeing to parent another man’s child makes a man a Dad. This may or may not be true, depending on the man. Not all donor conceived people have good relationships with their social fathers. I am so blessed that I have a fantastic Dad who raised me. But many social fathers never really become “Daddy” to the child who was conceived with another man’s sperm. I think it takes a really special man to become a Dad (and by the name Dad, I’m implying that there is a special affectionate relationship to the child and he’s not just an authority figure) whether it is through donation, adoption, step-parenting, or any other situation in which a man finds himself parenting.

Misconception #4: Really wanting a child makes you a good parent. Even when a child is “really wanted,” it doesn’t guarantee that “really wanted” translates into good parenthood any more than getting pregnant by surprise makes a person a good parent.

As for a person being told that they were “really wanted,” one woman put it this way: “Well actually, NO! The baby my parents REALLY wanted was the one they could never have. I was just their second best option.”

Misconception #5: Using a donor is a cure to infertility. A cure to infertility is getting a couple pregnant using their own gametes when pregnancy wasn’t happening previous to the cure. Using a donor doesn’t make a couple fertile – it simply gets the woman pregnant using another man’s sperm. The husband/partner is still infertile.

Misconception #6: Every DC person wants a relationship with their non-present biological parent. Not every donor conceived person wants to find their biological father. Not everyone wants him to stay anonymous, either. People may bounce back and forth between both emotions over time. Some may want varying degrees of “knowing” – anywhere from a full-blown relationship to just seeing a picture and knowing a name. Others may just want a medical history. It’s not a safe assumption to think you know how a person feels about having knowledge about their biological parent. They themselves may not know what exactly they want.

Misconception #7: Donating sperm/eggs is like donating blood. Blood sustains life that already exists. Sperm/eggs are necessary to create life. I see no comparison at all.

Misconception #8: My child doesn’t need their biological parent. I/We are all they need. I’ve read it in the comments, both here and other places; couples feel that their love will fill all of the spaces in the child’s heart. I do want to say this as gently, but clearly as possible, because I’m aware that the love that a parent has for a child is so incredibly important. You are important to the child, whether you are the biological parent or not. If you are there in the child’s life, and you play the role of a loving parent, your child does need your love. No child can have too much love. But please understand that a child who grows up wanting to know who their biological parent is probably isn’t rejecting your love. There is just a need in many of us to know who they came from. You can never fill that hole in their heart. It isn’t because you aren’t a good enough parent. It’s because the hole is in the shape of the missing biological parent, and no matter how hard you try, you won’t fit into that shape any more than a square is going to fit into a round hole.

Misconception #9: Looking for my biological father means that I don’t love the man who raised me. False. The man who raised me is my Dad and always will be. Searching for my biological father in no way negates my love for my Dad. I have five children and I love all of them with my whole heart. I didn’t run out of love after the first one. That’s the great thing about love – loving one person doesn’t mean that there is no love left for anyone else. I love my Dad. I am interested in finding my father. These realities don’t cancel each other out. They coexist.

Misconception #10: Donor conception is just like adoption. Adoption happens when a child cannot be raised by his/her family for whatever reason. The parents are deceased or unfit or unavailable to take care of their child (or in some cases, forced to give up their child). The child isn’t generally created with the purpose of giving them away to another family.

Donor conception, on the other hand, is purposefully endeavoring to create a child who will never know or be with half of their biological family. The missing family will either be replaced by the mother’s partner’s family, or completely discarded all together (as in the case of single parents). Before the child is even created, half of the family tie is severed.

Misconception #11: All donor conceived people have a victim mentality. “Victim” is defined as “one that is acted on and usually adversely affected by a force or agent.” I would say that I have absolutely been adversely affected by a force or agent. I know that there are others who would say the same thing. But a victim mentality? No. I see men and women who are working hard to change laws around the world to protect those who haven’t yet been conceived in this manner from the pain that we endure. The blogs and articles I’ve read are about people who are trying to affect change within culture by making society aware of this situation.

(*There are SO MANY MORE misconceptions regarding donor conception – Tangled Webs UK is a great resource to read more about it. Check it out here and here.)

Copyright 2009-2011

Wow

2010-08-28T13:21:00.000-05:00

God's up to something! I am now blogging over at FamilyScholars.org - or at least I have the goal of blogging there. My children are home from their grandparent's house and life is back in full swing. Finding the time to sit and complete at thought has been challenging, but I'm so thankful for the opportunity to be there.

I Went Home. Sort of.

2010-08-21T23:38:00.002-05:00

Last week, we made the impossible trip.

When we left Dallas almost 9 years ago, I was glad. 9/11 had just happened and I was nervous about living in such a big city. We were on our way to East Texas with our first child who was 3 months old. Toward the end of our one year in East Texas, we planned on going back to Dallas to start a church with one of my husband's friends. We temporarily moved in with my inlaws for what we thought would be 2 months until we could go back to Dallas. During those 2 months, we made a couple of trips back to Big D.

And then we realized that we should not be part of that church plant. The circumstances changed and we bowed out. So then we were stuck in Louisiana with no job for my husband and I was pregnant with our second child.

The thought of Dallas was the thought of home. I missed it like a child misses her mother. I still can't even tell you why that place had such a place in my heart. Perhaps it was because I lived there until I was 7 and had fond memories of it, or because it was where I married my sweetheart, or miscarried our first baby, or where I gave birth to our oldest son. Maybe it was the friends we had, maybe it was the materialism and the lights. Maybe it was the wide open sky view that wasn't obstructed by those stupidly tall pine trees that grew in East Texas. Dallas was in my blood. I wanted to go back.

I didn't go back for 8 years.

When we hit north Texas last week, driving in on I-30, it was wonderful. The sky was full of clouds, but it was a huge sky, nevertheless. We got to our friends' home, ate dinner with them, and while they went to bed, we went driving. We drove for a good 2 hours that night, after being in the car for 9 hours that day. We went downtown and saw just how much it had grown. We saw First Dallas, where my husband was on staff for a short while and looked at the new building. We enjoyed I-75 because it's got to be one of the prettiest interstates in the country between downtown and 635 going north.

The next day, we loaded up and went to see our last apartment before we moved away. We got to see friends unexpectedly. And then we went to see it. The place where I was conceived. It wasn't the home my parents lived it. It was a University.

I cried from the time I saw it until we drove away. My dear husband pulled over in the middle of the campus and prayed for me as tears streamed down my cheeks. I looked at the sidewalks and the doors and windows and wondered where he walked and what windows he looked out of. I wondered where his classes were. I wonder if he parked his car where we were parked.

It was a weak connection to the man who sold his sperm to help create me, but it was all I had.

Research...

2010-07-26T15:52:00.004-05:00

I've done several hours worth of research online in the past few days. Looking for doctors who could be my bio-father is tedious and back breaking. Literally. My back hurts from sitting at my desk. But it's kinda therapeutic to find all of these men who were on campus at UT Southwestern Dallas when I was conceived in 1976.

Most of them were from Texas according to the commencement lists I have, and most of them went back home to Texas after completing their residency elsewhere. Some of them work in parts of Dallas, close to where my husband and I lived when we married. It makes me wonder if we ever saw any of my bio-father's classmates when we lived there, or if our friends who still live in the DFW area are patients of these men that I'm looking at.

It's really very interesting work, finding out about these doctors. I've only found one of them so far who appears to have died. A few I can't find online at all. A couple of them have sons who A) were named after their fathers so that they both have the same name and B) are doctors, just like dear old dad. Fortunately I can determine who I am looking at by checking out their education information.

A little more than half of the men I've found have current pictures online. That is incredibly helpful, because I then have a young and old picture to compare my features with.

I've had a friend offer to help me look. I appreciated the offer, but I declined. When I said it's therapeutic to track these me, I was serious. Somehow, it feels like I'm connecting to my father by finding out who he rubbed shoulders with for four years. That looks really strange to write, and it probably sounds strange to read, but it's all I've got! Also, I don't want someone else to miss some vital bit of information that might be helpful!

My fear is that my father wasn't a medical student at all, but was there in some other position, whether as part of the fellowship my mother's doctor was part of, or who knows - even a janitor. I'm just so afraid that he is someone that I will never be able to track and my heart will be in limbo for the rest of my life.

There are some younger people who have donor numbers to work from, and then there are those like me who *know* their fathers were med students, and thus have a student body to work from, but then there are those who have no more information than their mother's doctor's name. So I'm thankful that I have as much information as I do to work from.

One of the things that I really dislike about myself is that I'm so critical of people. Probably the biggest group of people that I'm critical of are the TV Christians who peddle the "gospel" to line their pockets. Often times, it is no true Gospel that these people preach, but they sell Jesus as a means to an end. "If you'll send your money to me, God is going to give you more money than your bank account can hold!" It's called the prosperity gospel. It's getting Jesus so you can get your Mercedes and big house. It's a bunch of baloney.

Yet sometimes, I find myself thinking in the same way these buffoons preach - if God really loves me, he'll show me who my father is! I love Jesus, so Jesus owes me! UGH - I can't tell you how much I despise this thinking, and how I hate finding it in my own heart!

Jesus doesn't owe me anything, as if I could do something that could make him indebted to me. He is God of all creation...He is going to do what He wants to do without consulting me. And I'm so glad! I can trust that He will do what is right, because He works everything out for the good for those who love Him.

However, it doesn't mean that I don't keep praying and keep searching. I keep on keepin' on because I have to. Even when it means a backache.

I'm still here!

2010-07-18T22:29:00.001-05:00

It's been a few weeks since I last posted and I hate taking so long to blog. I could bore you details about life here, but I won't. But I will say that I've read more in the last week than I have all year and much of my free time has been spent on the couch soaking up good books.

It's been several weeks since I've done any research online. I had a virus on my computer that redirected web pages that I clicked on, making any kind of searching next to impossible. Now that that's cleaned off my system, I can get back to work. It's on my to-do list for this week.

I'm also cleaning up an article that I'm working on. More on that later, I hope.

I still want to finish answering questions that I've been asked in the past. That's on the to-do list, too. Maybe I can put the books down for a little while and complete my to-do list.

Hi Anonymous!

2010-07-03T12:36:00.001-05:00

Thanks for reading my blog and rooting for me!

Yes, I've read the argument that you recorded before and I think it is definitely true. I've been writing something else, outside of my blog, and I actually talked about that idea. As I was trying to describe it, I realized that Newton's Third Law of Physics perfectly describes the way I feel, and certainly I'm not the only one. Newton's Law says, "For ever action, there is an equal and opposite reaction." The action that my parents took to alleviate their pain caused me to have pain - the reaction.

Kathleen LaBounty says it this way: "I just think it's a transferring of loss," Kathleen says today. "The parents are pursuing this, and by going through anonymous donation, they get their dream of parenthood. But then that loss is just transferred to us..." (see article here)

Addressing Questions...

2010-06-02T23:46:00.000-05:00

I've been asked several questions and even been posed a few scenarios, whether through comments left on this blog or private emails. I'm finally getting around to answering those, even if the original person who asked never reads the answer.

First, one man said that he was a sperm donor because he is a Christian and sited Isaiah 4:1. He writes:

I try to fufill the cry in Isaiah 4:1 "In those latter days 7 women will take hold of one man and cry take away our reproach and give us children"

There are several problems with this but I'll just hit two. The biggest problem is that Isaiah 4.1 doesn't actually say what he quotes. I looked in at least 14 different translations of this verse, and only one says anything about children (that version was The Message which I don't even consider a good source). The English Standard Version says:

And seven women shall take hold of one man in that day, saying, "We will eat our own bread and wear our own clothes, only let us be called by your name; take away our reproach."

These women wanted to be married! Yes, they wanted children, too, but the point was not JUST to have children but to be married. This actually flies in the face of sperm donation, even more so sperm donations to lesbians because women can never be married to women in the true sense of the word, no matter what laws are passed.

The second issue is this: God created marriage. God created sex. God created sex for marriage. When we take sex outside of the context of marriage, we consequently take the chance of creating a child outside of that relationship. Even sperm donation/artificial insemination, which isn't sex, is the creation of a child outside of the marriage and it's wrong. When did making babies without sex become right and normal?

So while I think that this particular gentleman's goal is to help people, it isn't biblically sound.

Movin' on...

Karen commented:

As far as I understand, Jesus was the first 'artifically conceived' child person in historial record. That did not make Joseph any less his dad nor did it change their love for each other. But it goes without saying that Jesus knew who his father was and had very meaningful relationship with him.

Yeah! I realized this a day or two after I learned of my conception. Jesus was not raised by a biological father, yet because Jesus was without sin, I know he honored Joseph and loved him dearly. God's goal for His children is to make us more like Christ in how we think and act. It was an encouragement to know that Jesus was in a similar situation (though with VAST differences) to me.

Next...

Yes, I am glad I'm alive. Disliking how I got here has nothing to do with liking that I'm here now.

Yes, I love my Dad. Looking for my biological father in no way negates my love for my dad.

Yes, I still call him Dad. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't appreciate being called by his first name.

No, I will not write a thank you note to my parents for raising me simply because I was conceived via AI. I didn't have anything to do with it.

No, I will not write them a thank you note just because my Dad loved me even though I'm not biologically his. He and my mother made the decision together to have me so he's supposed to raise me and love me. (It seems like there is a Chris Rock joke in there somewhere) It's called being a dad.

Instead, I tell them all the time that I love them. I do my best to honor them in every way. I've thanked them repeatedly over the years for taking care of me. I thank them because I love them and it's my joy to thank them and to be thankful to God for them.

So this is turning out to be much longer than what I intended it to be and I'm not done yet. Maybe one more post will finish it up.

Have You Read This Yet?

2010-06-01T23:25:00.000-05:00

FamilyScholars.org just released a study called My Daddy's Name is Donor, found here, regarding donor conceived people. I had hoped to read it all before I posted it here, but I'm only about 20 pages into it with little hope of finishing it in the next day or two. So here it is...

A Year and a Day

2010-05-27T21:55:00.000-05:00

I get tired of saying that learning I was conceived via sperm donor was the most shocking episode of my life, but it's true. There is nothing like having the rug that your entire life was built upon pulled out from under you. But it's been a year, as of yesterday, and I'm functioning, which is WAY more than I can say regarding my mental status this time last year.

A year ago today, I was sitting on a church member's couch, trying to hid my tears and wondering why in the world I didn't have the sense to tell my husband I needed to stay home. I think that I realized that life was going on and I figured I needed to go on with it, not knowing that shock really can be debilitating. I was in a complete fog. My husband had to tell me what to do throughout the day. I just could not make myself function. I hope that was the hardest part of all of this, because if it is, then it's over with. I can't imagine it being that difficult in the future.

A year later, I can say that God has been so gracious to sustain me. I can see how this could have easily sent me off the deep end, never to return. A friend asked me a while back what this has done for my faith. It truly strengthened it. It made me run to Christ even faster than usual for comfort.

"...Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." (Hebrews 4.14-16)

I've had verses of Scripture that were especially comforting to me in various situations in my life, but I've not really identified a verse (or passage) that so well illustrates this year of dealing with my new (but old) reality. But this passage would do it. It sums it up well.

Today is my birthday

2010-05-13T08:51:00.000-05:00

I found out about my conception almost two weeks after my 32nd birthday last year, so this is the first birthday I've experienced knowing the truth.

Rather than being discouraged that this is just one more in a long line of birthdays spent without knowing my biological father, I'm rejoicing in the fact that the Lord has given me another year. I'm so thankful for all of the wonderful gifts God has given me - a wonderful husband, five beautiful children, and a real Father who I never have to search for. Thank You, Lord, for your goodness to me!!

Sufficiency

2010-04-21T00:50:00.000-05:00

I finally mailed a three month old letter to a doctor whose picture I saw in a yearbook. This particular man looks just like my oldest son (and both of my daughters!) and a lot like me. It took three months to send that letter because I wasn't sure that I wanted to know for sure if he could be my biological father. I mailed it and I prayed. A little more than a week later, I got a response. The answer was no, no way he could be my father.

I have to admit that it was hard to read that. I think because I spent three months debating and thinking and praying, it was harder than it had to be if I had just gotten up the courage to send it much sooner. It was a hard thing to accept for three reasons: 1) he looked like a really nice gentleman from his current website picture (and his note to me only cemented that thought) and 2) it mean that I am starting back at square one, and this time, there are really no men who jump off the page at me. It means having to revisit all those questions that were seemingly answered when there was a possibility of a match. And third - it means that I still don't know my genetic father.

Did I not pray enough? Did I not look diligently enough? Did I do something to deserve this? What do I need to do?

The apostle Paul was "caught up to paradise" where he heard "inexpressible things, things that man is not permitted to tell." Then he says, "To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me..." (Found in 2 Cor. 12:4-10)

I haven't seen inexpressible things, and I'm not sure that I can say that being donor conceived is a messenger of Satan, however, like Paul, I am weak. Like Paul, I've prayed for God to give me a conclusion to this. I've prayed to discover who my father is. I'm looking as diligently as I know how. And I feel depressed when I look through pages of men and wonder how in the world I'll find him. But through this all, I know the Lord's answer to Paul is His answer to me: His grace is sufficient for me, and His power is made perfect in my weakness. So I will boast about my helplessness if it means that Christ's power may rest on me.

I think that ultimately, this isn't about finding my father and then being satisfied. I believe that it's about being satisfied in Christ, whether I ever find this man or not. It's about hanging my hope on the eternal God, and not on a mortal man.

I love this quote by John Calvin: “Whoever is not satisfied with Christ alone, strives after something beyond absolute perfection.” I would add that when I am satisfied with anything less than Christ, I am too easily satisfied.

Just Talked With My Dad

2010-03-20T18:01:00.001-05:00

My mom and dad make a surprise trip here today. They were only here a couple of hours, but I had the opportunity to talk with my dad. This was only the second time I've talked with him, and I thought in the beginning that I would NEVER get to talk with him about this situation.

Because of the Parkinson's and other health issues, it wasn't the conversation that I would have normally had, but it was still good all the same. He was having a good day, mentally speaking, and was able to understand the things I told him and I got to ask a few questions, too. I did ask him if he wanted me to keep him informed on whether I found "the med student" - I couldn't bring myself to say "my biological father" to my dad in the precarious mental state he is in. He said he'd like to know if I find anything out. I didn't mention that I have an idea of who he might be...no need to bring it up until I know something more concrete.

So thank you, Lord, for arranging the opportunity to talk with my dad!

Is The Use Of "Donor" Gametes Biblically Permissible?

2010-02-26T00:02:00.002-06:00

Something I see pretty frequently when people ask the question online if it's ok for Christians (or anyone for that matter) to use a sperm donor to conceive a baby is a terribly inaccurate use of Scripture to support an affirmative answer. "Go forth and multiply!" and "Children are a blessing from the Lord!" seem to be the standard fare as an answer. Those two verses are taken completely out of context when given as a prescriptive answer in this situation. Context is so important to knowing what a verse actually says and means.*

So I'm trying to figure it out - just where does God stand on this issue of introducing a third party into the one-flesh relationship of marriage? My feeling is that it is not a "God sanctioned" way to create a child, however I know my feelings are no basis for truth since feelings change and truth does not, by it's very definition. I do not feel that it is on the same level as adultry since there is no physical relationship involved in the use of a donor (at least in mainstream cases...I guess there's always the exception to the rule.) But I just don't see God giving loopholes in marriage: ie., my spouse can't give me a child, so I'll get someone else to give me a child. And doesn't it seem akward to know that a wife is having another man's baby? Is God cool with that?

I am praying for wisdom.

*There is a story about the man who decided to seek guidance from God by opening the Bible at random and sticking a pin in the page, and trusting that the words where the pin stuck indicated God's will for him.

The pin landed in the latter part of Matthew 27:5, describing the actions of Judas Iscariot: "he went and hanged himself."

Not satisfied with the result, the man tried again, and this time the pin landed at the end of Luke 10:37: "You go, and do likewise."

Thank you

2010-02-17T17:18:00.000-06:00

I am so thankful to the Lord for the encouragement that I've received over the last couple of days from several of you. It has really lightened my heart to know that I am not alone in this situation and that there are others who know what I'm feeling. I am humbled that you would take time to encourage me in this crazy struggle.

And a huge, heartfelt thank you to my sweet new friend who has encouraged me over the last several months. You've been so open and honest with your situation and I'm so glad that I've gotten to know you.

This is exhausting

2010-02-06T14:39:00.000-06:00

Within a few minutes of hearing about my conception using artificial insemination, I had figured out that this was going to be something in the forefront of my mind for quite a while. Of course, in the "early days" it was so much in my thoughts that it crowded out other thoughts. Now, almost 9 months later, it's still there at the beginning and end of each day and everywhere in between.

Yes, life is 'normal' again - I go through each day without sitting at my computer for several hours at a time, but its still there in my thoughts and frankly, I'm just tired. I'm tired of escaping it for a little while, only to remember again and feel the shock of it all over again. I'm tired of having memories of my childhood pop into my mind, only to look at them from a different angle now. I'm tired of keeping secrets. I'm tired of wondering if I'll ever find my biological father and if I do, is he going to reject me simply because I exist? If he doesn't reject me from the beginning, will he reject me because I'm a Christian?

I feel completely drained, and its in all areas of life. And as I reread that last sentence, I'm reminded of Matthew 11.28 where Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." I would not be able to cope with this if it weren't for the Lord. I am just too easily broken to be able to carry such a load on my own. So I guess I just told myself what the answer is: I'm tired because I'm trying to carry it on my own.

New news

2010-01-26T11:50:00.001-06:00

I mentioned a couple of posts ago that I now have a yearbook that I've been looking through. I found a couple of men who were possibilities, but one in particular stands out.

Since seeing this one particular picture, and just how much I think I look like him, its been pretty emotional for me. I think that I've exchanged one frustration (not knowing) for another frustration (could it be him? and what do I do now?).

I want to contact this man, yet I know that I've got to wait and just process all of this. But I'm not sure if I should contact him or not. At this moment, I can look at the picture and assume that he is probably my bio-father, and maybe be satisfied for a while. It isn't definite, it isn't a bullet-proof theory, but it is somewhat satisfactory.

If I contact him, though, I open myself up to varying degrees of rejection, and then I'm back at square one. But on the other hand, maybe he would want to hear from me. There is a world of possibilities. And frankly, having a half-baked lead is better than a complete rejection. But complete rejection is still better than wondering what might have been.

So between the emotional roller coaster and not knowing whether I should contact him or not, I've been doing a lot of praying. Maybe "praying" isn't the right word. This is more like one of my little children who cries to be held when they don't feel good. I'm sitting in the floor, crying, with my arms outstretched, waiting for God to pick me up. And He does, and its so good to know that He is ordering each step, even when I'm unsure about which step to take.

Forgiveness part 3

2010-01-24T14:36:00.000-06:00

There is a place for anger toward unrighteousness. As a matter of fact, unrighteousness should cause those who love righteousness to become angry because unrighteousness tramples underfoot what is right and good.

I am so thankful to God for those men and women who are working, whether through the court system to change laws, or through society by making others aware of the situation of donor conceived people, so that younger generations don't have to know the pain of missing biological connections. Many people have taken their anger and hurt and made it constructive. This is defending the helpless, and it is a good thing to do.

This also brings me to the point of this blog - anger and what should be done with it. Missing out on knowing a biological parent isn't a small hurt. It's a big, gaping wound, and platitudes or harsh words don't make it better. There is real hurt and anger that must be dealt with, or it can eat us alive, like the most aggressive form of cancer you can imagine.

If our anger is only used as fuel to change laws and attitudes, there is no lasting change. Look beyond the here and now and think about eternity. If it were possible to make it so that no child wondered who his father was, it would be a good thing, but in the great scheme of things, it doesn't make a hill of beans difference.

How sad it would be if we all knew our biological fathers, yet never get to know our real Father. If our anger for unrighteousness only drives us to fix the temporary, but never leads us to search for the eternal, we are short-sighted. I started this blog because I know there are people like me who hurt more than I do because they don't have the comfort that I have. I know my real Father. I want you to know Him, too.

And now for the news...

2010-01-18T21:48:00.001-06:00

I have some big news! I received a book last week. It's a yearbook of sorts, and it has pictures of the graduates who would have been on campus at the time I was conceived. I am so excited to have this book in my hands, because I can now look at the faces and see the names. The Lord provided a way for me to get this book, both financially, and through an alum of the university. My prayer for this new year is that God would be honored through my search and that He would lead me to answers. And if not the answers I am looking for, then peace to guard me from anxiety.

And I will have the last part of "Forgiveness" coming soon. We've been out of town twice since the year started, and we are trying to get back into life.

Forgiveness part 2

2009-12-26T23:36:00.011-06:00

Forgiveness is a hard thing to write about. I have no degree and I'm no theologian. But I need forgiveness, I've received forgiveness, and I've given forgiveness. So I know a little bit about it.

It involves so many emotions and decisions that we may not want to deal with. Forgiveness means recognizing that we have been wronged, yet letting go of the anger so that we no longer feel bitterness toward the person/people who wronged us. It means that we can no longer complain about it, and frankly, we often get comfort from our pity parties, so forgiving means that we no longer wallow in the junk that feeds our anger.

So instead of giving a whole systematic thesis on anger and forgiveness, I'm going to keep this personal.

For it to make sense to you why I feel the way I do, I'm going to have to tell you some other things about me that you may or may not have picked up if you've read much of this blog. Stay with me, here...I promise this is going to make sense!

I am a Christian and I believe that the Bible is God's Word, that is, it is what God Himself has said to us. The one true God who is portrayed in Genesis through Revelation is perfect and holy and completely sovereign over His creation. And all of us, from our first parents, Adam and Eve, to the tiniest embryos are sinners by nature and choice. We all rebel against God, whether we do it consciously or not. We hate God, and everything He is. We curse Him with every breath we take.

When we do a job, we are paid for our labor. The same principle is true regarding sin; when we sin, we earn our punishment. We don't all sin the same. Hitler is the poster boy for the horrendous sinner. We are not all Hitlers. We aren't as bad as we could be, but we are bad enough to deserve hell.

So when God changes our natures, He picks us up out of the sin and death that we love, and He takes out our heart of stone and gives us a heart of flesh. A heart that beats FOR Him now instead of against Him. He forgives us for our offenses against Him. He is under no obligation to forgive us and He owes us nothing but punishment. It is only because of His mercy that He gives us the gift of life. Jesus lived a perfect life and died on the cross as a propitiation for our sin - He satisfied the Father's wrath on our behalf. He took the curse of sin on Himself so that we didn't have to bear the punishment. And what's more, not only did He take away the punishment for those who believe, but He gave us Himself as our reward. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive our sin and to purify us from all unrighteousness.

In the book of Matthew (18.21-35), one of Jesus's followers, Peter, comes to Him and asks this question, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Here is how Matthew puts it:

Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven. Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants. When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made. So the servant fell on his knees, imploring him, 'Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.' And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt.

But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii, and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, 'Pay what you owe.' So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, 'Have patience with me, and I will pay you.' He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt.

When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place. Then his master summoned him and said to him, 'You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?'

And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt. So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart."

I am the first servant - I had a huge debt of sin hanging over my head. The Lord forgave me and took away that huge burden. If I refuse to forgive my parents, it tells the world that I haven't been forgiven of anything myself. How can I be forgiven for my sin against God, yet refuse to forgive something against me? I forgive because I've been forgiven, and not just my parents, but the doctor who set this whole thing up.

Honestly, Dr. Aiman is the one with whom forgiveness isn't coming as easily. And the problem isn't that he started the problem, but that he refuses to return my phone calls. There is nothing like forgiving someone who refuses to acknowledge they've done anything wrong!

And therein lies the rub when you look at the big picture. There are so many of us who refuse to acknowlege that we ourselves have sinned. We are told to repent, to turn away from our sin, yet we continue in it as if our disobedience isn't a reality. That's what makes forgiveness from God so incredible - He gives us the ability to repent and ask forgiveness, even when we don't deserve it. The apostle Paul puts it this way - we all lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and mind, and were by nature children of wrath, but God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he love us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive with Christ - it is by grace we have been saved, through faith, though even this faith is not our own doing, but it is the gift of God so that no one can boast.

Because I love my mom and dad, and I know that they love me, and because I had such a good childhood, and mostly because I've been forgiven myself, it's been easy to forgive them. I have no bitterness toward them. And because I know that God is working all things for the good of those who love Him, I cannot be angry at Him for doing this. I know Him well enough to know that there is a purpose to this, and I just need to sit back and see what happens.

All that said, there is a place for righteous anger in this. I'll talk about that in my next post.

And I hope to have an update on my search to report very soon!

Forgiveness

2009-12-17T21:14:00.003-06:00

It's been quite a while since I've posted here...but not because I didn't want to. December is always a busy month for us, though I'm not sure why. I guess all the extra shopping and planning. All of the children have been/are sick and for the first time since I was a teenager, I've got strep throat. I've been doing as little as possible for the last two days, and I could use two more days in bed or on the couch, but that isn't going to happen!

So I've been thinking about anger and forgiveness lately. I really want to blog about it, but I'm not sure where to start. I think it's safe to say that many of us don't forgive very easily, whether it's the car that cuts you off while driving or the whole donor conceived situation. And it doesn't matter how big or small the situation is - anger can really mess us up mentally, emotionally, and even physically. As the mother of five, I'm well acquainted with the small things that cause anger. I have to forgive on a daily basis, and I'm usually asking for forgiveness on a regular basis as well.

I assume that most of you who are reading this blog are connected in some way with artificial insemination. (I'm dealing specifically with the negative side of AI - but I'm not unaware that many of us have non-biological fathers who adore their children as much as any biological father could.) For many adult children who were conceived this way, there is a lot of anger regarding this route to pregnancy, and in my mind, there are clear reasons why there is so much anger. A biological parent has sold away the gametes that make up half of a new life. There are the parents who didn't tell the child how they were conceived and so kept vital information from them. And then there is the medical community, who has banded together to keep said vital information forever locked away, or worse, destroyed. The brick walls are erected before the child is even conceived.

I felt like I was thrown into a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from. It was like one of those huge garden mazes where you can't see over the walls and every turn you take is a dead end. And there is no handy map to show you how to get out. Anger is a pretty natural response in a situation like that. Not everyone will respond in anger, but I think it's legitimate.

Even with a legitimate anger, is there a place for forgiveness? Is there a need for it? I believe that the answer to both questions is yes.

In the next post, I will try to articulate some of the things that I've been thinking about regarding forgiveness.

Thanksgiving

2009-11-29T16:17:00.003-06:00

We spent Thanksgiving at my parent's home. All of my parents' brothers and sisters were there, along with a few of my cousins. Some of them I haven't seen in quite a while. It was good to see everyone again. It was also the first time that I've seen everyone since, well, you know. It saddened me to know that I am not related genetically to half of my family.

I did get to talk with my dad, briefly, about my conception. I asked him if we could talk more when I see him again. I'm glad it's out in the open now.

Seeing all of my family really stirred up a desire to know all of my family. I wondered how my biological father spends his holidays. I know that this time of year is difficult for people who have lost loved ones to death or who are just far away from them. Now I'm getting a taste of it from experience.

I feel very unsettled after this trip. It's easy for me to wallow in the seeming hopelessness of it all. Some moments over the last few days, I had to tell myself to keep breathing. I keep reminding myself in those times when I just want to cry that I must cast my burden on the Lord, because he cares for me. It doesn't mean that I can't cry, or be sad, or pray that somehow the Lord would allow me to know who he is.

It does mean, as Tim Tebow reminded football fans yesterday, that I must fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of my faith, and throw off the sin that so easily entangles me.

About The Hymn

2009-11-24T20:54:00.002-06:00

I want to explain a little bit about why I posted Light Shining Out of Darkness by William Cowper. I first heard this hymn sung as a modern song by Jeremy Riddle - incredibly done, by the way. This stanza really scared me and comforted me at the same time:

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take,
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy, and shall break
In blessings on your head.

It scared me because I've had a few clouds break on my head over the last few years. We've all gone through difficult circumstances. I hate clouds!

It encouraged me because it reminded me that those things that we fear most are often the things that either drive us further away from God or closer to Him. I need to take courage when I see the clouds forming, because while it may rain (or pour), those clouds aren't going to do anything God hasn't sent them to do.

To me, this is the most powerful part of the hymn:

Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.
His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding ev'ry hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flow'r.

It would be really easy to ask why God has allowed me to be conceived by a father who is not present in my life. It seems like such a burden to carry, this not knowing. But I think that line of questioning is the wrong line of questioning. I don't think that God allowed it in the sense that he let them (my parents and the doctor and my biological father) create me in this fashion. I think that Scripture shows us a God who is so involved with His creation that it was not permission that was granted, but rather it was part of God's plan - what He ordained.

Are you familiar with Joseph whose life is included in the book of Genesis? Joseph was hated by his ten older brothers because of their father's favoritism toward Joseph. They hated him so much that they threw him into a pit and then pulled him back out of the pit only to sell him into slavery instead. He was taken far away from his family and home as a slave in Egypt. The ten brothers told their father that Joseph had been torn apart by a wild animal. Long story short, in several years' time, Joseph went from being a slave, to a prisoner, to being second in command of Egypt.

A famine spread across the land, but Egypt had a storehouse of food. People from all over the area went to purchase food from Pharoah. Joseph's ten brothers came before Joseph to buy food, not recognizing him as their brother. After a long, drawn out process, Joseph, who still hadn't yet revealed his identity, determined that his brothers had repented from the evil that they had done to him and so he could not keep his identity secret any longer. This is part of what he said to them:

"Now do not be grieved or angry with yourselves, because you sold me here, for God sent me before you to preserve life. For the famine has been in the land these two years, and there are still five years in which there will be neither plowing nor harvesting. God sent me before you to preserve for you a remnant in the earth, and to keep you alive by a great deliverance. Now, therefore, it was not you who sent me here, but God..." (Genesis 45.5-8a)

The brothers did, indeed, sell Joseph into slavery. But God ordained it to happen. Joseph, the one who endured slavery, defamation of his character, prison life, separation from his family...he recognized that God sent him to Egypt through his brothers.

Toward the end of the narrative, Joseph says this to his brothers: "As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive." Joseph may have wondered why exactly his life was unfolding in this manner, but he could see God's providence, even in prison.

Jonathan Edwards (1703-1758), a pastor and one of America's greatest thinkers, said this about the sovereignty of God: "There has been a wonderful alteration in my mind, in respect to the doctrine of God's sovereignty.... The doctrine has very often appeared exceeding pleasant, bright and sweet. Absolute sovereignty is what I love to ascribe to God."

Knowing the true circumstances of my conception has made me love the Lord all the more, because I can see Him working in my life. Even in the darkest days, I knew that nothing I was going through was by chance or accident. I don't know all of the whys, but I'm really ok with that.

Even if you don't like what is going on in your life, God has His purpose for it. Will you fight Him or trust Him?

John Edwards and Fatherhood

2009-11-17T13:18:00.004-06:00

This article by Russell D. Moore dates back to September 20, but I'm just now getting around to posting it here. Dr. Moore talks about John Edwards' "love child" with his ex-mistress and fatherhood. Just a snippet here:

Edwards risked more than his career or his party or even his country. He risked, if the stories are true, his little daughter’s very identity.

And that’s where it matters to us. Because no matter how many jokes are made about the “Brek Girl candidate,” we’re all vulnerable here.

We know from the Bible that a child learns who he or she is in relation to his or her father. That’s why persons in the scriptural story are known as “Joshua son of Nun” or “John son of Zebedee.”

You can read the whole article here.

It's Still Surreal

2009-11-14T13:35:00.001-06:00

It's been about 6 months since I found out about my conception. The shock is gone, I think. It's still surprising, though, to think that I have a biological father out there, somewhere, probably practicing medicine, somewhere. And maybe I have half-siblings, somewhere. And maybe, somewhere in his heart, does he wonder about me?

I've wondered about him...what he looks like...what mannerisms of his that I might have...what he thinks about about that day in August of 1976...

He's known about me for 33 years. I've known about him for 6 months.

He has no idea, but he has five amazing, beautiful grandchildren. Three of them probably look just like him since they look just like me. He is so missing out on knowing them.

My Husband's Sermon

2009-11-11T16:15:00.000-06:00

I think I mentioned that my husband is my pastor. If not, I have now! He's been preaching through Philemon, which is a little tiny book in the New Testament. The Apostle Paul was imprisoned in Rome when he wrote his letter to Philemon, who was a wealthy citizen of Colossae, a small town several hundred miles from Rome. Onesimus was one of Philemon's slaves, who had run away, somehow met Paul, and became a Christian. Apparently he had become close to Paul and helped to take care of Paul in prison, because Paul says of Onesimus that he was "my very heart." Because slaves were property of their master, it was illegal for Onesimus to run away. Paul was aware of the fact that Philemon had the power and authority to put Onesimus to death for running away.

So do you think that Paul hid Onesimus away? No, though Onesimus was "helping me while I am in chains for the gospel", he didn't. He actually sent Onesimus back to Philemon with a letter, asking him to reconcile with Onesimus since they were now brothers in Christ, and no longer just master and slave.

Part of my husband's point was that Christ brings reconciliation, not just between us and God, but also between people. A master and slave relationship became a relationship between brothers.

It made me think of my biological father. I want desperately to reconcile with him. I want him to know that I'm not angry that I don't know him. I want him to know that in some way, I do love him.

Another part of his sermon dealt with not wasting the opportunities that God gives us to bring Him glory. I could tell you the opportunities that I waste daily, but that would take up too much space here. I thought about this opportunity that God has given me in being donor conceived, though. Yes, I do see it as an opportunity. I've been given the opportunity to see God work in my life through this situation - an opportunity that I would not have had, had I been conceived the 'normal' way.

I've been given the gift of deep loss in that I've lost my biological father. That loss has caused me to see God, my Father, more clearly. He truly is so caring and loving and kind.

I've also been given the gift of losing what I thought was a completely unbroken connection to my Dad, the wonderful man who raised me. The first time I saw my dad after finding out about being DC'ed, I cried because I wanted to be his daughter in every way, both emotionally and biologically. It was painful to know that there is that disconnect, but it made me appreciate that our relationship isn't just an emotional relationship. Because he also loves the Lord, ours is a spiritually-linked relationship as well.

Light Shining Out of Darkness

2009-11-07T23:30:00.000-06:00

I love this old hymn by William Cowper. I thought it would be appropriate to share it here.

LIGHT SHINING OUT OF DARKNESS

by: William Cowper (1731-1800)

God moves in a mysterious way,
His wonders to perform;
He plants his footsteps in the sea,
And rides upon the storm.

Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never-failing skill,
He treasures up his bright designs,
And works his sov'reign will.

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take,
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy, and shall break
In blessings on your head.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust him for his grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.

His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding ev'ry hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flow'r.

Blind unbelief is sure to err,
And scan his work in vain;
God is his own interpreter,
And he will make it plain.

What is my identity?

2009-11-05T08:44:00.002-06:00

Identity can be a tricky thing to nail down, and I'm not talking about social security numbers, either. Who am I? I am a daughter. I am a wife. I'm a mother. But what is my identity?

It's funny how God prepared me to find out about my dad. I spent 9 months prior to finding out about this situation thinking about how my identity must be in Christ. Here is something I wrote on April 23, a month before my mother's conversation with me:

Maybe He (God) does this for you, too: for several months at a time, He seems to impress on me certain themes, usually through preaching and life in general. One of the things that He has been teaching me over the last 8 months has been that my position is in Christ.

I am a mother. But my children will grow up and I will no longer "mother" them as I do now. I am a wife. But my husband could die before me. I will no longer be a wife. But I am forever Christ's. As the song goes, "no power of hell, no scheme of man can ever pluck me from His hand." Paul puts it this way: "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8. 38, 39)

God was preparing me for the identity crisis that was headed my way. He was so good to get me ready spiritually for what could have been a life shattering revelation. His grace blows me away. I don't deserve it yet he gives it anyway.

What This Has Done In My Life

2009-11-02T23:09:00.002-06:00

Finding out that my dad isn't my biological father was pretty devastating. I felt as though who I am somehow cracked, like an old sidewalk that has worn with age. It was all I could think about. It seemed as though my entire childhood was based on a lie - my dad, who was such an important part of my childhood, was raising another man's child. When he looked at me, what did he think?

The fact is, though something in me broke, it wasn't a permanent broken-ness. It was cracked, but not unfixable. My dad does love me, and did love me and I know in my heart that he couldn't have loved me any more than if I were his biological child. Any questions that would arise in my mind as to whether he ever regretted having me are chased away by the knowledge that I am loved by my dad, even as the Parkinson's strips away his faculties.

As for my father whom I do not know, every waking moment was filled with thoughts of him. What does he look like? Would he like me? How am I like him? Do I have any of his personality? Did he marry and have children? How many times did he 'donate' - are there other siblings? I would look at my children and wonder who their grandfather is. I would look at myself and wonder who I was seeing in the mirror. Washing dishes and wondering about my grandparents. Grocery shopping and checking the faces of the tall men who have dark hair. It seemed to never end. There were days that I couldn't carry on conversations without struggling to focus. He is still in my thoughts, though not like he was.

All of this has caused me to be even more thankful to God because He has made me His child, which makes Him my Father. I have no doubt that I know who my true Father is, and that knowledge is more valuable to me than anything else. He will never hide His identity from me, never make me wonder who He is. He created me with the purpose of bringing Him glory, and I hope that my life does that. The Bible says that God works all things for good for those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose, which means that even in this situation, God is working things out for my good. That "good" may not look the way I expect it to look, but that is where I trust Him and learn that "good" is all in perspective. When Jesus died on the cross, those who had followed Him for three years and those who had loved Him didn't see any good at all. But once they understood that Jesus had to die but then rise again, their perspective changed. Suddenly, the cross was good because it made a way for us to be redeemed.

I may not fully see on this side of death what the good is in this situation, but I know that I can trust Christ.

The Hard Days

2009-11-01T16:41:00.006-06:00

When I first found out that my Dad isn't my biological father, I had no idea who I could talk to about it. I didn't know anyone who has advertised the fact that they are donor conceived. I couldn't afford a therapist. My pastor has never dealt with this before, but since my pastor is also my husband, he learned as we went. He was a comfort to me by holding me and loving me and letting me just talk, but he couldn't offer that "been there, done that" experience.

I needed someone to minister to me in a deep way. Telling me that I should be thankful for the dad that I have and that I'm selfish to want to know my biological father doesn't meet that need. I needed someone to point me to the Father that I do know. Fortunately I know how to pick up my Bible and read, because that's all I had as far as "therapy" - God Himself who knows exactly what I was feeling.

There were four really hard, difficult, how-am-I-going-to-get-on-with-life kind of days. The first day that I found out, followed by the next day, which was harder than the first. "Shock" is a funny thing. I think the second day was harder because the news was becoming reality. Yet I was still in shock. I think it was at least 2 months, maybe closer to 3 before I felt as though I wasn't in shock anymore. How do you deal with the reality that your entire life (for me, 32 years) was spent believing that one man is your father, only to find out that he isn't? My dad has had such a huge influence on me, good, bad, and ugly, but mostly for the good! I felt that I was stuck in a nightmare and could not wake up. I was helpless to do anything to change my situation. So I prayed.

God really did answer in an incredible way. He hasn't brought my biological father to my door-step (I have prayed that, though!) but He has given me the peace to know that He is not in shock, but has planned this for my good and His glory. Sounds crazy, I know. How does not knowing who my father is good for me? Frankly, I don't know. But I do know that the Bible says that He works all things for the good for those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose, so either the Bible is lying, or I just cannot yet understand how God is working this situation for my good. I know Scripture doesn't lie, so that leaves me with waiting to see how it is worked out for my good. I only know that God is good and as His child, He knows how to take care of me. So even when it hurts, I trust Him.

The other two really hard days were the days that I found out there were no records left from my mother's visits to Dr. Aiman's offices and the first day that my house was quiet and I had time to think in silence. That may have been the hardest day of all.

My older children where gone to their grandparent's home, and my babies were napping. The entire day was much less noisy than normal, and once the little ones were sleeping, it was really quiet. No noise was intruding on my thoughts. I had 6 weeks to settle in to this new reality, and it really hit me hard that afternoon: somewhere out there is a man who is my father. How do I live not knowing who he is? How do I go on not knowing where I came from? Who my grandparents are/were? Do I have half sisters and/or brothers? How could I NOT know??

My emotions had my mind spinning out of control. The weight of the whole situation was pushing my soul down into this darkness that I'd never experienced before. When I first found out that I wasn't my dad's, I felt darkness trying to push into my heart, but it didn't get too far. This time, the darkness wasn't pushing in on me, but I was slipping down into it. I've never dealt with depression before, and thankfully, I haven't had any major traumas in my life that I had to experience on my own. My husband and I lost our first baby to miscarriage, he has been unemployed, we've lived with both sets of our parents, but these were things that we went through together. This situation, this having my heart ripped out...this was mine to deal with. My husband was with me, for sure, but I felt alone.

I could feel myself being pulled down into a pit of dispair and I was desperate to get out of it before it enveloped all of me. But how do you get out of that if you can't change anything?

My husband came home to find me crying over the sink in the kitchen. He knew what I was going through, but neither of us knew that THIS was coming. He sat on the couch with me while I blew up at him. He didn't know how to help, but listening was what I needed from him and he did a great job of that.

His best friend had also come home with him, so the two of them listened to me and then talked to me, and I don't remember any great fantastic things that they said, but they were there and that really helped.

After they left again, I got my Bible and read. I don't remember what. Somewhere in the Psalms. God used His Word as a salve on my heart. He plucked me out of the darkness. He gave me peace. Just as Jesus calmed the storm when He was on the boat with the disciples, He calmed the storm in my heart.

My Story

2009-09-30T23:59:00.020-05:00

I want it known from the beginning that I love both of my parents. And both of them love me. The Lord gave me the parents that He wanted me to have, and I am thankful to Him for them. I'm so glad that I grew up in their home.

I'd always wondered why my nose didn't look like my parent's noses. I have dark hair like my dad and when I was a kid and actually played outside, I had a dark complection like my dad. But my dad has a rather large nose and while mine isn't small, it definitely isn't his. Nor is it my mom's nose. My sister's baby pictures looked just like my mom's baby pictures. I just sort of came out of nowhere with my look. But I'd heard stories about Mom's pregnancy with me and there are even some pictures of us at the hospital, so I knew I wasn't adopted. I never imagined what the truth was!

My mom told me one time that they would jokingly tell people that I was my dad's child from his first marriage, and my sister was my mom's from her first marriage. Of course, they were never married to anyone else - they just said it because I was dark like Dad and my sister is fair like Mom.

My parents married when Mom was 17. She had me, the oldest of the two of us girls, when she was 31. That's a long time to be married with no children. I had always known that it took them a long time to get pregnant with me, but somewhere along the way, I remember being told that Dad had some kind of surgery to fix something and yada, yada, yada, Mom was pregnant soon afterward. That was rather vague, but honestly, I didn't care to know too many details of that topic! When you are a teenager, you don't really want to know too much about your parents and their, um, life together. So I never remember asking many probing questions.

Over the last few years, my dad has developed some health issues that have affected him both mentally and physically. Since they moved away from us, it seems as though he got worse each time I saw him. It was difficult to see him become less and less like himself.

Each time I would see him, I would wonder, "Will this be me in 30 years? Will Keith be caring for me the way Mom cares for Dad? Will I forget who people are?" Those thoughts have been swirling around in my mind for the last few years. Instead of googling what he has and checking out for myself to see if they are genetic, I just put it out of my mind. There are some things about your future that you just don't want to know.

This past May, my second son graduated from Kindergarten. My mom and her sister were able to come be here for it. On the way to the graduation, with only babies in the van with us, I asked Mom if anything Dad has is genetic. She said something like this: "I never told you all the details about your conception. We tried for several years to get pregnant and we decided to go to a fertility doctor. I only had a cycle a few times a year and Dad had a low sperm count. He put me on fertility drugs and got my cycle regular and he suggested we use a sperm donor. But your dad and I kept trying while I was on the fertility drugs. We never told anyone."

My first reaction was something like, "Are you telling me that Dad isn't my real father?" As soon as she said it, though, it all made since where my nose came from. It came from my biological father!

Keep in mind that I was driving! It was a crazy conversation that just sort of happened. There was no plan to it, and I'm sure Mom didn't wake up that morning knowing that she was going to spill the beans on a 33 year old secret. Also, because Dad really did get Mom pregnant with my sister when I was 4, I think that Mom was convinced that because they kept trying while she was on the fertility drugs that he really did get her pregnant with me. I think the use of artificial insemination may have just become a non-issue in her mind. I can't speak for her, but this is what I'm guessing.

So this conversation only lasted about 15 minutes before we got out of the van to go watch my son graduate. Then we all went out to eat. I'm not sure how I went through the evening looking relatively normal.

Once we got home that night, I asked Keith to google the possibility of green and blue eyed parents having a very brown-eyed daughter. What he found was that it was virtually impossible. I cried. Really hard. Keith just held me. But I didn't really need the eye color to confirm what I already knew. When Mom said they used a sperm donor, everything just made sense.

I've read what some other people have said about their "social fathers" and how they never felt close to him or something to that effect. That was not me and my dad. I was a Daddy's girl. I probably had my dad twisted around every finger I had when I was younger. There was no divide or disconnect or anything between us. He loved me and I loved him. Let me correct that - he loves me and I love him.

Keith and I spent a good deal of time talking with Mom about the whole situation that night after everyone went to bed. When they left the next day, I immediately sat down at my computer and started my search.

My mother remembered the name of the doctor that she saw, but she couldn't remember what kind of doctor he was and she also didn't remember where she saw him. The first thing I did was call an OB friend who told me that Mom would have seen a reproductive endocrinologist. A what? I had a hard time saying that. What job title in the world has 10 syllables? A reproductive endocrinologist does.

Google was my best friend when it came to research. Since I was completely clueless about how to even search for this doctor, I spent the first day or two trying to figure out how to look. Once I got a handle on that, I found her doctor easily. I found a brief "resume" online that told me where he was in 1976. Finally, I had something substantial.

When I first talked with my OB friend, she told me that all records would have been destroyed after several years. I was hoping that she was wrong. After a couple of weeks of talking with the records department and sending in paperwork to release Mom's records, they let me know that the records had indeed been destroyed 10 years after Mom was a patient. That was a let down, even though I tried not to get my hopes up that they were still intact and just waiting for me with the name of my father written in neat penmanship.

I spent every night for a couple of weeks searching on google for anything I could find that might be of use to me. I found several blogs and emailed a couple of people. I discovered that in the 70's, med students were mainly used, especially at medical schools. There were no sperm banks at the time, so everything seemed to be kept "in house" and sperm was not frozen at that time, so I knew that my father was still a student in the late summer of 1976, and not some random student who could have been long gone before my parents ever saw the doctor.

Since the good doctor told my parents that he would pick a donor who looked like my father, I *know* that he was tall, dark complected, and I suspect that he wore glasses. My Dad wears glasses and my eyesight is horrible. That's about all I'm able to discern about him.

My next hope was to find a year book from 1976. I was saddened again to discover that there were NO yearbooks published in the years of '76 - '80 (if he had been in his first year in '76, he could have graduated in 1980) BUT the university did put together a book about the history of the school that included class pictures and names of the graduates. I am currently hoping to be able to purchase this book as soon as possible.

It may be naive, but I'm hoping that since I don't look like my mother, I look like my father. If that is the case, I hope that his face will be easily discernable. I'm pretty sure that I'll be able to cross out blondes, Asians, and African-American men, though I'm not sure how many of the last two categories there would be at this school in the 70's. But it's something to work with.

I am also listed on the Donor Sibling Registry and amfor.net. I hope that someone will contact me...